Sick & tired of being sick & tired...

113 lbs lost; 3 lbs UNDER goal weight...

I have had this nasty cold FOREVER and poor Tessa caught it this week. She missed school on Monday & I missed work. I kept her home again on Thursday and worked from home. I am working from home again today because her cough is so awful...she just doesn't feel good.


This is her in the bathtub yesterday...look at those poor little sad eyes...I hate it when my kids are sick...it breaks my heart to hear her deep hacking cough! She is a trooper and she gets so bored sitting at home especially cause I am at the computer all day and taking phone calls. She watches movies and comes into the kitchen where I am working and sits on my lap for a bit. She really wants to play...it's hard to keep her down! She told me yesterday "Mom, I hate being sick...it's stupid"! Amen sista! She actually looks better than she did a few days ago...at the beginning of the week her eyes were extremely red. I wondered if she had Pink Eye but I think it was just sinus stuff.



This is me yesterday sitting at the comuter working...it's rare that I will post a picture of myself with no make up and hair not done...do I look tired? I have honestly had this cold on and off for 4 months...the past 2 weeks it has been RAGING! The night before Tessa had slept fitfully (in my bed for the first time in 2 weeks cause Rio was out of town) so I did not get much rest that night...as this picture clearly shows...and the lack of makeup does not help! Yes...I am vain, always have been, always will be...even when I was heavy (especially when I was heavy) I would never allow pictures of me unless I had my hair and makeup done and even then it was rare!

This is Tyler and his date (can't remember her name; she asked him to the dance) to Sweethears on Valentines Day. Apparently they had fun and he was actually home by the curfew we gave him so that was good. Tyler got a job as a DJ recently and worked his first party the night before the dance. He has another one tonight...wonder where he gets that "love of music" gene...it's amazing to me that he can (somewhat) take after someone he hasn't spent much time with but I guess genes count for something.

This is Colton a few weeks ago at my mom's (early) b-day party that we had before she went back to SG. He didn't have time to "straighten" his hair (which he has been doing for quite a few months now) so he opted to wear his hood all day...not sure why cause his hair looks fine even when it's not straight! I don't often get good pictures of the boys...they hate having their picture taken for some reason and are usually pulling a stupid face or turning away before I can get the picture.

Things are a little tense & uncomfortable around our house lately. We have never been good about discipline and now that we have decided to make some changes around here sticking to it is very hard for me. The boys have been grounded for a few weeks although we have slipped up and allowed them some freedoms they haven't earned (we always do...hence the repeated bad behavior). They mope around and constantly ask to be able to go here or there...telling them NO is very difficult for me...I have always had an issue with people being angry with me...especially my kids. The boys have spent alot of time in their rooms sleeping...amazing how they are always still tired.

I love my kids so much...being a parent is the HARDEST thing I have ever done...maybe I make it too difficult. I guess we do the best we can and learn along the way. Are we doing the right thing now by trying to make changes at the ages that they are...I don't know...I ask myself that question every day. Because we have been so inconsistent it doesn't seem to be making any difference at this point and that worries me tremendously. The kids of course have no idea that this is harder on us than it is on them...hopefully someday they will understand that we do what we do because we love them...not because we want to have all the power and "control" them.

Well...it's the weekend...enjoy!

Catching up...

113 lbs lost; 3 lbs below goal weight...still flucuating 3 or 4 lbs below goal weight...I can live with that!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOM!!! She turns 65 today & is back home after her stroke. She is doing very well & I am so thankful she is still with us...like I said we need another 20 out of her!

I finally got a cute blog background (Thanks Jamie)! Too bad I can't figure out the rest of the stuff to make my blog cuter-est...oh well...one small improvement is better than none!

My baby girl (Tessa - 5 years old) got to celebrate her 1/2 birthday at school last week. Since her actual b-day is in August & she is not in school when it comes around she got to have a 1/2 b-day. She is now adament that she is 5 & 1/2...not just 5 anymore! But now everyday she wants to know how many days it is until her "real" birthday...I just tell her "lots" of days...LOL!

Tessa's cousins got Gecko's for Christmas & Gauge's escaped it's cage so he got a new one...then the new one escaped so his grandma bought him a hamster. So Tessa decided that since we have a dog (who she used to say was hers but now agree's that it's mine) & since Colton got a ferret for Christmas...yep...you guessed it...she decided she needed a hamster; she wanted a pet of her very own. So we went to the pet store & she picked out a dwarf hamster (so cute...but a fast little bugger)! I had asked her before we bought it what she wanted to name it. She said if it was a boy then "John" if it was a girl then "Jessica"...I have no idea where she got these names. Her hamster is a girl so I suggested "Jessie"; she stated that "Jessie is a boy name". I had to point out that on "Toy Story 2", Jessie is indeed a girl & I happen to work with a girl named Jessie so she agreed & we brought Jessie home in her brand new cage to live on top of Tessa's dresser.

We have had Jessie for just over a week. The first night in the middle of the night I realized that the sound I kept hearing that I thought was a broken washing machine was actually Jessie running on the little "wheel" in her cage...gettin' her work out in I guess even though it was 1:00 am! We bought a little ball to put Jessie in & when you put it on the floor she can run around in the ball...very hard to get her out of her cage & into the ball cause she is soooo tiny & so stinkin' FAST!

So 2 nights ago Rio is getting Tessa ready for bed (she has slept with us for YEARS even though we try every now & again to get her to sleep in her own room). He told her to go lay with me in our room so she could go to sleep (at which point we put her into her own bed once she is asleep) & she said no she was going to lay in her own bed & go to sleep...SHOCKER!!!! At 4:45 am (long after she usually shows up in our bed) I hear her in our room with her sippy cup filling it up with a Pepsi (her drink of choice) & then she proceeds to go out of our room, turn on the bathroom light & go back to her own room. I got up to see what she was doing & she informed me that daddy had left the bathroom light on when she went to bed that night so she was turning it back on so she could go back to bed in her room...another SHOCKER!

The next morning when I got her up to get ready for school I made a huge deal out of the fact that she was such a big girl & had slept in her own room all night! She calmly explained that she hadn't wanted Jessie to be alone during the night! LOL!!! She slept in her own room again last night...went to bed without the TV on & fell right to sleep...we are amazed & thinking this is GREAT! I hope she keeps it up! If I had known that all it would take was a hamster I would have bought one a few years ago!

Dot; our yorkie; who slept in Colton's room for the past few years until he got his ferret; has been sleeping on the heater vent on the floor in our room since Christmas (she has a bed but she prefers the heater vent). When I got up this morning Dot didn't follow me out of our room like usual & I realized she wasn't in there...I went into Tessa's room & Dot was curled up on Tessa's bed with her. Tessa thought that was AWESOME too! So...now she has Jessie & Dot in her room with her so I will cross my fingers that she will continue to sleep in her own room! Woot Woot!!!!

The boys have been grounded for just over a week for their naughty behavior (no specific details so that they won't someday hate me for posting their business on the internet)! After a few "fits" of slamming doors & ignoring us they seem to be doing better. I hope it's not too late to make some of the changes we are trying to make...God forbid they head out into the "big bad world" unprepared for life & still relying on mommy & daddy for everything. It's amazing; as a parent; to realize all the things we have done WRONG...*sigh*...we continue to hope for the best.

I love my kids so much & I would do anything for them...which is part of the problem. I have done things for them instead of teaching them to do things for themselves. Have I crippled them? I guess time will tell. I sincerely just want what's best for them & I want them to be happy, healthy, productive, respectful human beings...is that too much to ask?

Thanks for reading (all 3 of you)!

Blogging...

112 lbs lost; -2 lbs under goal weight...
I keep fluctuating 2 or 3 lbs which I guess is normal for everyone...not just weight loss surgery patients. I have had unusual amounts of stress in my life lately (and that's saying alot since I stress about everything anyway)! I find myself craving sweets & wanting to eat more than I should...it FREAKS me out. I absolutely can not go back to being fat again! I totally get that some people learn to love themselves no matter what their size and that is great...I am not one of them. My identity is not connected so much to my size but to my overall feeling of well being. When I was heavy I was sick all the time; I was in pain all the time; I couldn't breath very well and I generally felt like CRAP all the damn time...I don't want to be back to that place ever again! Okay...I got off track...I didn't mean to talk about weight so much except to post my "stats"...lol!

Holy COW I suck at this blogging thing...everyone and their dog has a CUTE, INTERESTING blog and I can't even figure out how to put a fun background on mine...*sigh*...I seem to be "blog challenged"...HAHA!

I am having such a great time catching up with old friends on Facebook and reading people's blogs! It's so much fun to see everyone's families and find out how they are doing and how many kids they have and where they live and what they do...SO. MUCH. FUN!!!!! Infact I spend WAY TOO MUCH time on FB and reading blogs...it's addicting and some might even say a waste of time...but I thoroughly enjoy it so for now I will stick with it! It's almost better than reality TV...which I love!

So...I am not witty & funny like some people who blog; I am not crafty & creative like some people who blog and I am not very interesting like some people who blog...BUT...I don't care! I will still blog...if anything so that I can look back on it some day (like keeping a journal in a sense) and read about what was going on in this day in my life and what I happened to be thinking about! Today I am thinking that I wish I knew how to put a cute background on my blog but alas, it's almost time to go home from work and I have to take Tessa to dance so I will have to figure it out on another day..TTFN!

Life & Death...

Scary week for us...

My mom arrived last Tuesday in SLC at my sister's house to spend a week visiting up here with her kids and grandkids (4 of her 6 children live up here). On Wednesday morning after she had taken a shower she realized that she was experiencing numbness in her left arm and her speech was slurred. She immediately alerted my sister (who, thank goodness, is unemployed at the moment so she was at home with my mom) and my sister called 911 who arrived in a matter of minutes. They got her to IMC very quickly. By this time my sister had called her husband and then me and I immediately left work to meet them at the hospital. The stroke team was called in to assess my mom and she was taken for a CT scan. They started her on a medication that thins out clots and within an hour sor so he was very much improved in her speech although her hand still had some numbness/weakness.

They eventually put her on the stroke floor and she was required to lay flat on her back for 24 hours. They also took her to have an MRI and she was assesed by many differnt Dr.'s for many different reasons and we were all surprised at how well she was doing. My uncle (her brother) and one of our cousins husbands came that evening to give her a blessing which was really nice. The MRI results showed very minimal damage and she does have a small amount of long term memory loss that she will not get back but other than that she seemed to be doing really well.

By the next day she was doing so well that they decided to discharge her from the hospital with the understanding that she would come back the following Monday to be hooked up to a heart monitor for the next 2 weeks so they could monitor her heart and watch for any atrial fibrilation. She has high blood pressure and high cholesterol but until this actually happened I don't think any of us ever thought it COULD happen...our mom is very healthy...she has never drank alchohol, she has never smoked, she does not overindulge in anything! This was such a huge shock...came from left field and kind of slapped us in the face.

Thursday evening all the siblings that live here in SLC took our families over to visit mom at my sister's house (mom really wanted to see everyone...that's the reason she was in SLC in the first place). We had dinner and visited and then mom went to bed early as I'm sure she was tired.

On Friday around noon I received a call from my sister saying that mom was experiencing dizziness, numbness on the left side of her head and in her foot (she had not had numbness in these areas 2 days prior when she had her stroke). She said that they were going to head back to the hospital; I agreed that was probably best and told them I would meet them there. Mom was again assessed by the stroke team but she was not having any speech issues or partial paralysis like she had previously. She was taken for another CT scan and eventually we were told that they wanted to monitor her heart and they were going to admit her to the hospital again.

Mom was admitted to the Telemetry floor that day (Friday) and taken for another MRI. She was hooked up to a heart monitor so they could start monitoring for any atrial fib. Our sister that lives in SG arrived on Friday night. Our sister that lives in Sacramento flew in on Saturday morning for the weekend. I don't think any of us really thought that mom was going to die but we all wanted to be here for her and I think mom didn't really let on how scared she was and I think she was very glad to have all her children close by...just in case.

We spent most of the weekend at the hospital and my sisters took turns spending the night with mom while they were here. For some reason on Sunday we still did not have her MRI results back and the Dr. recommended she stay one more night so they could continue to monitor her and wait for the MRI results. She was finally released yesterday (Monday). The MRI didn't show any significant change from the first one and the Dr. said it's common to have episodes like she did after the first stroke.

As of right now she is doing ok although my sister says she has had some episodes of dizziness this morning and she thinks she has a bladder infection (damn cathedars!). My sister is taking her to Instacare to see about the bladder infection today and she also is taking her to a chiropractor. My mom has a bad back and laying in the hospital for all those days didn't help.

So...it really takes something like this to remind us that we are just human and that we won't live forever. At no time did I actually think my mom was in danger of dying but then maybe I chose not to look that in the face. I guess it is still a possibility...no matter how well she seems to be doing...that something else could happen and she would be gone...but I refuse to believe that at this point. Like my sister says "I need 20 more from her"! My mom will be 65 this month...that is way too young.

My parents were married for 30 years and have been divorced for almost 10 years so my mom lives alone in SG although one sister lives only a few minutes away. How blessed we feel that my mom was not alone when this happened to her. Although she immediately recognized the signs of a stroke the possibilities of what could have happened if she had been unable to get to a phone or even dial 911 had she been by herself are not pleasant thoughts. Although I'm sure my sister does not see her unemployment as a blessing; it is indeed a blessing that she was at home that day when my mom started having her stroke. It's also a blessing that my mom is very practical and is not the type of person to keep the symptoms to herself while telling herself that they are no big deal. While my mom never wants to "put anyone out" she is smart enough to realize that something wasn't right and that she needed help right away.

There are so many things to be thankful for at this point...that my mom is still alive, that she seems to be recovering well, that the damage is minimal, that she wasn't alone when it happened, that all of her children have such wonderful spouses and family support so that we were able to spend time with her at the hospital...and so many more things. I have to wonder if she is out of the woods and at this point she probably isn't...and maybe she never will be after having this stroke. But my mom is alive and we still have her and I'm thankful for that.

Over the next few weeks while she rests and recovers some decisions do need to be made. Should she stay in SLC for the time being? Should we allow her to return home and continue living alone? I'm sure alot of things will depend on how her recovery goes and whether or not she has any other incidents.

I love my mom so much...she is such a huge part of my life. She loves me unconditionally and never judges me or pushes me to be someone that I'm not. She accepts me for who I am even if she wishes deep down that I would go to church, etc...she never pushes anything on me. She never meddles in anyone's life and only wants what is best for all of us. I love her beyond words and I can't imagine my life without her...here's to 20 more at least...LOVE YOU MOM!!!!