Another day...

On Monday, 2/25 I was only down ONE pound! Total lost is -39 lbs; 71 lbs to go to goal weight!

So, the Gold's Gym thing hasn't worked out so well so far. I was planning on going on Monday morning at 5:00 am; my sister was going to meet me there (we both work at the same place) and they gym is close by. I had my bag packed so I could get ready for work at the gym. I woke up Monday morning with a MIGRAINE! I don't get them very often and if I can catch them before they come on too strong them I'm OK but I didn't catch this one so it made me nauseous and I ended up taking Tylenol and laying back down for an hour or so before getting ready for work! So far Tues and Wed I haven't attempted the Gym again...maybe the thought of the gym brought on my migraine...hmmm...interesting. I think I thought that by having surgery I would have an instant love of exercise...that hasn't happened yet! When the weather warms up maybe it will be different!

It's actually 50 degrees today and feeling pretty nice here in SLC, UT! I was out and about at lunch and it was awesome. Here is photo of the Wasatch Mountains; taken from our new offices on the 4th floor where I sit; except I don't actually sit by a window...maybe that's why I'm depressed!

Monday night after work I met with a lifecoach that a good friend of mine has been seeing for quite some time. She asked me why I was there and I told her "Because I'm a mess"! I have so many things I want to change and so many things in my life that I know I don't want but I don't necessarily know what I do want. I live in fear of offending people or hurting people's feelings so I never say what I really feel like saying; I let people walk all over me (mostly at work).

I'm struggling with so many things after having the Gastric Bypass. I constantly want to eat, even if I'm not hungry. I constantly want to put something in my mouth and I crave sweets (or my head tells me I do)! In addition to not exercising the past few weeks I've eaten things I shouldn't, I've eaten more than I should and I've had coffee 3 times...that is a "NO NO". I'm tired, cranky, irritable, angry, sad, depressed, anxious and everything in between.

I want JOY and PEACE in my life! I want to enoy my children instead of constantly nagging them to "do this or do that" or "how come you didn't do this/that/the other". I want my children to enjoy me instead of knowing that every time we talk it's going to be a negative experience. My two oldest kids (boys; 16 & 12) are the ones that bear the brunt of my negativity. Nothing they do is good enough; just like I feel that nothing I do is good enough. I've always felt that way...my entire life...as far back as I can remember.

My 12 year old has ADHD and is very hard to deal with sometimes. He is obnoxious and bounces off the walls! He mouths off alot and always has to have the last word. Some of that is just his age; it's not all ADHD but there are times when being in the same room with him is enough to make me angry! I don't want to feel that way about my own child! I get frustrated with my other two children also...they all have their moments; which makes me feel like such an awful mother.

My assignments from the life coach this week are to listen to my Chakra Clearing CD every morning and every night http://www.sacredcenters.com/chakras.html. The other assignment is for me to spend 10-15 minutes per day in front of the mirror telling myself outloud that "everything in my life is as it should be right at this moment" and "I am perfect, safe, loved and I am a good person/mother/wife, etc". The second assignment is the most difficult and so far I've not been able to bring myself to do it. Who wouldn't feel stupid talking to themself in the mirror telling themselves how wonderful they are? Part of what I am working on is not living in fear so I will work on this assignment tonight and tell myself how wonderful I am. I need to feel free to express my emotions/thoughts whether I'm in a room with 500 people or looking at myself in the mirror!

Well, I'm sure I could go on forever with my "woes" so I'll end now with this...

There are things in my life that I am grateful for and not every moment of my life is spent in negativity. I am working on bettering myself!

Loves!!

Food is fuel...Food is fuel...

I've been to some of the other Obesity websites and it seems that depending on where you have surgery and who your Dr. is, your post op instructions are different. I see on other sites that people are able to have protein drinks, coffee and a few other things that I was told not to have. People who have surgery at RMAP pay $500 for a big blue binder full of educational information, specific food instructions and all sorts of information. It's not that I don't value the information but there are some things that others are able to have that I can't...this week my weakness seems to be coffee.

I know coffee gets fattening because of the creamer and sugar. I actually prefer frozen lattes. I used to stop every morning at Beans & Brews and get a 24 oz. Frozen Vanilla Latte. It's like a slurpee but it tastes like coffee with vanilla flavoring. Luckily since my work moved to a new building there is not a B&B on my way to work anymore! LOL! Oh how I miss those frozen lattes. Starbucks has a "Skinny Latte" but it's a hot drink and I just don't love those as much. I could never gag down straight black coffee so I've just been going without...but what I wouldn't give to have one!

I ate lunch today at the Cheesecake Factory for the first time. I had Salmon and Asparagus and it was wonderful! I did have one little bite of cheesecake so that I wouldn't spend the rest of the day wondering about it and feeling like I missed out...I know...I know...rationalizing a bad choice doesn't make it right!

Although I have a treadmill at home I joined Gold's Gym this week. There is one right next to work so starting Monday I plan to go do Cario Cinema a few times a week before or after work. I need to do mornings but it's difficult to get up that early and then I have to leave my husband to make sure everyone gets up and out the door on time each day; which he is capable of; but I feel guilty just the same!

It's the weekend baby...ENJOY!

Starting to feel better...

Lost 2 more lbs, 76 lbs to go!

I am finally starting to feel a little better, getting over my cold, although I'm still not getting my exercise in each day. I purchased a pedometer that I wear on the waist of my pants each day to keep track of how many steps I take, how many calories I burn and how far I walk. I try to get up and walk around quite a bit at work when I have a few minutes...which a few minutes can be difficult to find most days! I average about 1.5 miles per day; which is good; but I would like to be walking at least a mile a day just on my treadmill. I'm thinking of joining the gym and going there a few nights a week right after work.

I've decided that I really wish I enjoyed cooking...I get bored eating so much of the same things all the time. I have found so many wonderful recipes for post WLS (weight loss surgery) patients but I just don't enjoy preparing them! I'm not creative enough to come up with things on my own...sad, but true! I had the best of intentions to start cooking every night for my family...healthy meals that we can all eat...so far my track record leaves alot to be desired...kind of like my track record with my treadmill!!

So many emotions come in the aftermath of this surgery. I mourn food every single day...all the things I can't eat or won't ever eat again! Sometimes I want to stuff my face with all the things I miss...the only thing that keeps me from doing it is the fact that I would get so ill if I did!

I miss Diet Dr. Pepper, Frozen Vanilla Lattes, coffee w/ sugar and creamer, cake with buttercream frosting, ice cream, potatoes, pasta, cookies, candy, bread, donuts, etc, etc, etc...

• Did I make a mistake? I don't think so but it's a struggle every single day!
• Do I regret having surgery? Not usually but sometimes yes.
• Will it all be worth it in the end? I believe it will!!!

One struggle I'm having right now is not smoking. I miss it terribly. It was those times during the day that I took breaks at work with my friends; now it's harder to keep up with them because I don't see or talk to them as much. It was those times at home when I would read; now I don't get nearly as much reading in each day. Driving, sitting around with friends and chatting...Stupid reasons to smoke but it's almost like I am mourning my old daily routines as well as the food I can't eat. It makes for some difficult and emotional times... :-(

I am working on being more optimistic and positive...difficult things for me. I realize things can't change overnight but I know that I have the power to be as happy as I want to be...I just need to DO IT!

Tomorrow is another day...

Long weekend...

I am so glad I have Monday off. I've got a cold and I need the extra day to get feeling better. I missed work yesterday and still feel pretty crappy today but since I missed 3 weeks of work when I had my surgery I figured I better not miss too much work right now!

Not much new to report right now other than I'm still so tired all the time and now that I'm sick it's even worse. I'm afraid I haven't lost any weight this week...I'm actually petrified that I've gained a few pounds back because I haven't been doing my exercise each day. But I only weigh myself once a week so I won't weigh until Monday. If the numbers go up I might just pull my hair out!

I need to get a grip...stop being so hard on myself...concentrate and be happy with the positive things I have done/am doing! I don't know what's wrong with me. It's so easy for me to give advice and support to others but when it comes to taking care of me...I suck at it!

So, I'll take more cold meds, go home and try to rest this weekend. Here's to hoping that I get feeling better and can start fresh again next week!

Excuse Me, Your Life is NOW!!!

AWFUL day...

Lost 4 more lbs last week; down -34 lbs total; 76 lbs to go!

It's ridiculous that I feel like I should have lost more weight than this by now...everyone says I'm too hard on myself...

Today I feel like I woke up; got smacked in the face; and then found out it was only 6:00 am and I still had a full day ahead of me! I'm having an awful day for some reason! I am tired, emotional, overwhelmed and all I want to do is cry!

Work has been awful today; back to the same old, same old of always! I'm overwhelmed with trying to keep up and on top of that I'm kicking myself for not getting my exercise in everyday! I used to be hungry all the time and now I the thought of food makes me sick BUT I still seem to want to "snack" all the time (old habits die hard)! I'm sure I wouldn't be so tired if I was getting my exercise done but I can't seem to find or make the time for it. Since I've learned that everything in my life is what I desire it to be it leads me to believe that I don't desire to lose weight as badly as I thought or I would make sure I got my exercise in each day!!!!!!! I'm so frustrated today I could scream!

I've been near tears at least 3 times today at work and all I want to do is go home and sleep! Gotta love being depressed!

I know that there will be days like these but I could sure do without them!

The dog trainer is coming tonight to get started helping us train Dot to poop in the right place. She's almost 2 years old and we are so sick of her pooping wherever she wants to in the house! We had to wait until all the puppies were sold so now it's time to get started. Tonight Tessa also needs to get her Valentines ready for pre-school tomorrow since they don't have class on Thursday...there are never enough hours in the day for everything and I'm already exhausted!

I desperately desire to get my head and my emotions in the right place so I can move forward...tomorrow is another day...thank goodness. I just need to make it through this day!

Small changes...

My constant hunger seems to be subsiding a little. Usually I am yearning for each meal. The past 5 days or so I haven't felt that constant urge to eat as much as I had previously. I sometimes get to meal time and nothing even sounds good; where previously I would eat anything that I could (within the guidelines)!

When I eat my meals, I sometimes don't even finish all 4 tbsp. per meal because I feel satisfied before I'm done...that's a new one! It seems my new stomach pouch is working more like it's supposed to; more like it has been for others who have had this surgery! I am so glad...I had really been struggling with the hunger!

I'm still struggling with exercise. I don't love walking on my treadmill and morning is the best time and really the only time I have during the day to get it done. But getting up at 5:00 am is a killer and today is the first day this week that I actually got up and did my walking. If I try to do it in the evening; after dinner, etc. then it's too close to bedtime and I can't go to sleep! So, mornings is when it needs to be and I need to make a commitment to doing it everyday so I can get to my goal weight! I can't wait until it gets warmer outside so I can go walking outdoors.

Rio left for St. George yesterday with friends to ride motorcycles down there. Their weather hasn't been that great and they even had snow so riding should be wet and muddy! He will be home on Sunday but I really hate it when he's gone. I'm not afraid to be home alone with the kids; I just like it better when he's there too!

Gotta get back to work...FOOD IS FUEL!

4 weeks post op

Today is 4 weeks since my surgery; I have lost 30 lbs!!!! Only 80 lbs to go to hit my goal weight!

I went with my little sister on Saturday to watch her try on wedding dresses. She is getting married in July on the beach in Oregon and I am the maid of honor (or matron I guess). She has the most beautiful hour glass figure (even though she thinks she has big hips) and it was so much fun to watch her try on those beautiful dresses. I know that I will never be that small nor will I have her figure (unless I pay LOTS of money to have myself nipped and tucked into a body like that) but just watching her makes me excited to lose more weight so I can try on and find a beautiful dress for me to wear to her wedding. Because I am continuing to lose weight I will not be able to try on dresses until closer to the big day. I need to tone up my "flabby" arms too since it looks like I'll be wearing a sleeveless dress! I may need to look into a personal trainer before too long so I can start getting things toned up!

I am struggling to get my daily walking in. I did it on Saturday afternoon after having missed Thursday and Friday, but I spent Sunday running errands and grocery shopping so I didn't get it done (although grocery shopping was a long, long ordeal with lots of walking around the store). I had every intention of getting up early this morning and doing it but when that alarm goes off at 4:30 am...it's all I can do to hit snooze for another hour or so! The stupid thing is I actually feel better and have more energy when I do get up early and get my walking done...it's also one less thing to stress about all day long so I don't know why I don't drag my tired self out of bed in the morning and get it done! Tomorrow is a new day...I'll try again! Maybe I'll go to bed at 8:00 pm tonight! LOL :0)

We attended my sister-in-laws birthday party last Thursday...that was a little bit hard. They had Pizza and I had planned on eating my own dinner before we went over but I didnt' have enought time (hectic!!). So I ate some of the toppings off the pizza (meat, chesse, veggies, etc.) since I can't have the crust part. Not the healthiest meal I've had since surgery but it was ok and I kept it down. (WLS patients have a fear of throwing up new foods or the "wrong" foods). For me, the "sweets" lover, the cake and ice cream was the hardest part...I couldn't have any of it! So I kept busy playing with the kids and even tried playing Guitar Hero, which was alot of fun. My kids have that game but I NEVER play video games! Anyway, on our way out the door as I walked past the cake I stuck my finger in the frosting, licked my finger and away I went! I figured a little taste was better than me "jonesing" all night over not being able to have any cake and frosting!!!

I have found a few "treats" that I can have on a limited basis. I found some sugar free frozen fruit bars that are 30 calories and when I really get a hankerin' for something sweet I'll have one of those. I also found some sugar free pudding but it's like 80 calories so I won't indulge in that one very often. Snacking was one of the ways I got fat in the first place so I don't want to get back into those types of habits!

FOOD is FUEL!!!!