Bring on 2009...

112 lbs lost; 2 lbs UNDER goal! WOOT WOOT!

Christmas was good. We finally got our tax refund that we have been fighting for all year otherwise we might not have been able to have Christmas this year. It came just over a week before Christmas so we spent the weekend prior to Christmas doing all the shopping. Rio and I didn't buy gifts for each other; we hit the after Christmas sales to get a few things we needed. They kids got spoiled rotten as usual so all is well...lol!

We are headed to SG tomorrow for the rest of the week; my sis from Cali and her family are there visiting so we are going to hang with the family! My little sis is coming too so all 4 sisters will be there...sisters bonding time...woot woot! Should be loads of fun!

I am thankful for so much this year; my husband & kids, my family, our jobs, our home, good friends and loved ones! May 2009 bring you all you are wishing for!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Weight Loss Goal...ACHEIVED!

110 lbs lost; 0 to go!!!!

Despite all the things I have done wrong and the things I should be doing that I don't stick to very well I have acheived my weight loss goal to lose 110 lbs after my weight loss surgery!

As is typical of me I could go on and on and on about all the things I have done and still do wrong but today is a day for celebration so I will save all that for another post!

I feel good...better than I have in a long time. I am so thankful that I was able to have weight loss surgery and for the things I have learned/am still learning on this journey!

Thanksgiving...

108 lbs lost, 2 lbs to go to hit my goal...!!!!!

I weigh myself once a week but sometimes more often...it's weird how much my weight will fluctuate every few days. A pound here; 2 pounds there...I am basically content with where I am right now as far as my weight is concerned. It's the SAG that I am struggling with...I traded FAT for SAG!!!!! I'm sure that if I actually got my self to the gym and toned up, some of the SAG would go away...but the rest will require some serious nips and tucks! I try not to kick myself too often about not getting to they gym...I just keep waiting for that "love of exercise" to kick in but so far no luck. I haven't made it a priority so I have no one to blame but me for not getting it done!

We spent Thanksgiving going from one end of Utah to the other. We drove to Logan on Thursday to spend Thanksgiving with Rio's family. I discovered that my tiny stomach does not like me to snack on raw vegetables before dinner so I didn't get to enjoy much of the Thanksgiving feast...live & learn! We stayed the night and the next morning we took some family pics at a nearby park...whaddya think?

Tyler, me, Tessa, Rio, Colton

Colton, Tyler, Tessa (my loves!)

Me, Rio (the LOVE of my life!)

On Friday after pictures we took Tyler back to SLC, then headed for St. George. I had a DRILL TEAM reunion there on Saturday! I was a little nervous but it was alot of fun catching up and visiting with people I hadn't seen for 20 years! Here are some pictures of a few of us and our advisor. Alot of us were there for our advisors FIRST year; I'm sure as she thinks back she wondered what she had gotten herself into! It was really nice to see all of these old friends and find out what they are up to these days.

In this one I am in the back...I was always in the back because I am tall...LOL!

Anyway, it was a hectic but fun filled weekend. I got to visit with someone who was one of my best friends in high school but who I had not seen for 20 years! We went to dinner Saturday night and watched some old drill team videos...it was a hoot.

Gotta get back to work...still learning the ropes at the new job.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

In a nutshell...

105 lbs lost; 5 lbs to go (yes I GAINED 2 lbs...damn halloween candy!)

Work is going well. I have a lot to learn but this week has provided some good learning experiences and training for my new position. It's nice to be back at the same company I was at before...makes starting a new job that much easier!

I have the BEST husband in the world...yes I know you think yours is the best but mine is the ABSOLUTE BEST man there is. He loves me so unconditionally and he is the kindest, gentlest, most patient person I know. He will do anything for me, our kids, our family, his friends...anyone. Kudos to my in-laws (pretty fabulous people themselves!) for raising such a wonderful person. I am so blessed and honored that he chose me to be his wife!

A LOT of stuff going on with my kids right now...things I don't necessarily want to "put out there" on the internet...it might scar them for life if they knew I put their business out there for everyone to read!

I will just say this...no matter how open you are with your kids...they still won't tell you everything or be completely honest with you all the time. No matter how much you may think you are "friends" with your kids...your not! You still have to be the parent and they will still do things they aren't supposed to and you may find out about these things they do and you may not. If you do; blowing a gasket is not the way to handle it...at least not in our case. Life's lessons learned everyday...

Think positive...it's the only way to survive!
Happy Weekend!!!!

A few pictures...

Tyler (2nd from right). Gender wars at JHS, Oct. 2008...what a stud muffin!

Colton's 8th grade picture...what a handsome devil!

Tessa receiving an award for being a "everyday hero" in Kindergarten because she listens well and is a friend to everyone! So cute!!!

"Hannah Montana"

HI HO HI HO it's back to work I go...

107 lbs lost; 3 lbs to go! MY GOAL IS IN SIGHT!!!!!!

So...I started back to work on Monday. I went back to the company that I was working for previously. I had quit at the end of May to be home with the kids; which I enjoyed. The economy kind of forced me back to work; but I actually get alot of satisfaction from working. I like the company I work for so I kind of waited until the right job came along here...I was previously an Executive Assistant. This time around I am an Account Manager...something new for me and I will be learning more technical stuff but I look forward to the challenge. This first week of work has been kind of slow. There will be a transition period while I learn the ropes and get introduced to the customers I will be taking over. My boss is a guy that I used to support when I was an Exec Assistant and I really enjoy working with him.

Inspite of not always eating what I should, not drinking nearly enough water and not working out on a regular basis, I am now just 3 little pounds away from my weight loss goal! I wish I could say I was the "perfect" weight loss surgery patient but I am not. Inspite of my mistakes and sometimes my bad choices, I am happy with my success thus far.
Here are some of my stats...
At the time of my surgery on January 7, 2008...(these are not things that women like to give out so this is a rare treat...lol)...
Weight then: 260 lbs
Current weight: 153 lbs
Pants size then: 22
Current pants size: 8
Shirt size then: 22/24
Current shirt size: Medium
I have lost multiple inches from my waist, thighs, arms, hips, etc...I don't have the numbers here in front of me or I would post them just for the fun of it! I used to wear a size 9 1/2 shoe, I now wear an 8 1/2 or a 9. No one really tells you that in addition to new clothes you will also have to buy new shoes!

I had to purchase all new clothes and some shoes for work since everything I had worn to work previously is now way too large and I had gotten rid of everything anyway. It should be fun to be able to shop for new clothes but when you "shrink" out of clothes every month it gets kind of old. I also hate to buy too much because if I continue to lose weight I will have to keep buying new things in smaller sizes anyway. I'm also not used to having so many options for places to shop...I generally shopped at one or two places when I was heavier...now I have to take my sister with me so she can tell me where to buy cute things and to tell me what is even cute to wear!

Today is actually my 10 month SURGIVERSARY...I just barely realized that. Here are some things I am thankful for since losing weight...
*Walking...I can walk farther or up and down stairs without getting winded.
*I can tie my shoes and touch my toes if I want to...
*I have more energy than I have had in YEARS!
*My thighs don't rub together anymore...
*Energy...I am not tired all the time like I used to be...
*LIFE...I enjoy life so much more now than I did because I just FEEL BETTER all the way around!

Of course I am thankful for so many things...I didn't hate life before but I was very miserable trapped under all that fat! It's nice to get back to being ME!!!!

I am also thankful for supportive family and friends, mostly my wonderful husband. This is not an easy journey and he has struggled right along with me and continues to support me every minute of everyday. He has always loved me...fat or thin...and we have both had some life lessons through all this. He continues to love and support me and I couldn't ask for a better man!

Okay, enough of my ramblings...BLAH BLAH BLAH!
Happy Friday...have a FABULOUS weekend.
Shout out to the JHS Beetdiggers...Good Luck today against Bingham...let's take STATE!
GO DIGGERS! My son Tyler Brown is #10. Watch the game today at 4 pm on KJZZ Channel 14.

Keep plugging along...

101 lbs lost; 9 lbs to lose to hit my goal!

The weight loss has slowed down dramatically but alot of that is my own fault. Now matter how grand my plans were to get to the gym at least 3-5 days a week this summer, it's just not happening. There are other things I do that I shouldn't do (drink coffee, eat popcorn, etc) but at this point with other stresses in my life I really try not to beat myself up over things. I will lose these last 9 lbs and I will tone up...it may not happen tomorrow but it will happen.

I went to a class last night on Energy clearing and it was a nice refresher on Chakra cleansing also. I want so very much to have positive energy flowing in and around me but it's hard.

This economy has really hit us hard but alot of the blame is on us too. We have never been good at saving money so when tough times hit we have no one but ourselves to blame for our financial situation. I hope to have a job soon so I can help contribute to supporting our family financially.

I am very emotional and overwhelmed today and I'm not sure why...it's just adding to my already fragile emotional state...LOL! Maybe I should have stayed in bed today. SIGH...too many things to do to stay in bed...gotta get going.

Facebook...

100 lbs lost!!!!!!!!!!!! 10 lbs to go to hit my goal!

So...Facebook is AWESOME! In the past week I have "found" or "connected" with so many old friends! I am having such a blast catching up with everyone. I created a group for our high school class of '89 and we are getting started planning our 20 year reunion for next year! 20 years...man just saying that makes me feel so old!

The thing is that right now in my life I feel better physically than I have in almost 15 years! I never kept in touch with anyone from high school or from when I was growing up. One reason was because I got married (first marriage) during my senior year in high school. My husband was 5 years older than me and was not from my hometown so my high school friends didn't really know him...it put a damper on most of my friendships and then we all went our seperate ways during our senior year and afterwards. The other reason I never really tried to stay in touch with anyone was because over the years, as I put on weight, I didn't want anyone to see me looking that way! I wasn't the most popular girl in school but I did have alot of friends and while I wasn't the most beautiful girl in school I was very thin back then (although I of course thought I was fat at that time).

To put on so much weight over the years was very embarrassing for me so I was always glad that not many of my old friends ever saw me over the years as I gained weight. I remember feeling very embarrassed and insecure at our 10 year class reunion...I had put on some weight by then and to me everyone else still looked young and thin, just like in high school. I don't remember talking to very many people at that reunion and Rio and I left pretty early.

I'm sure that everyone else has the same insecurities as I did, but as I continued to put on weight I hated for anyone to see me. Over the past 9 months as I have shed the weight I feel like I have come out of my shell a little bit...infact my brother in law recently said that very thing to me.

It's kind of like a "rebirth" so to speak. And I never imagined that I would be having such a good time finding old friends and classmates on Facebook. It's not that I wouldn't have had fun finding them when I was heavier but it just feels better now that I am not that big anymore. I'm actually excited at the thought of going to my 20 year reunion and seeing everyone. That may sound shallow...but as hard as this journey has been and continues to be, I am so glad I made the choice to have WLS! I would do it again in a heartbeat!

Thanks for stopping by and here's to finding and staying in touch with old friends!

Attitude Adjustment...

-99 lbs lost, 11 lbs to go to hit my goal!

I am sick and tired of wallowing in the misery that I have created! It's time for an attitude adjustment or an ass kickin'...whatever works!

I have a few good prospects for jobs. I am hopeful that when the time is right, the right position will open up for me. I have to believe there is a reason it hasn't happened yet and I'm pretty sure I know what the reason is...my kids.

The intention of me quitting my job in the first place was to be able to concentrate on the kids. The summer was fairly uneventful, just busy. Now that school has started again, it's been kicked up a notch or two and I know this is where I need to be right now. The frustration lies with knowing that I also need to contribute to our family's financial situation...what a position to be in! Kids...job...kids...job...what to do? Again, I have to believe that where I am right now is where I am supposed to be and that when it's the right time, the right job will be available to me.

So, I am staying positive, doing my chakra cleansing, reading "The Secret", and trying to apply all the tools I have learned into my life right now. The Universe is listening and will bring me what I need...yes it's true, it will happen.

I had my 8 month follow up with my WLS doctor on Tuesday. He had nothing but good things to say about my progress. After we talked for a while and I told him why I thought I should have reached my goal by now he told me to quit being so hard on myself! Wow, that's one I've never heard before...LOL! He says I should be able to hit my goal by my year mark (I plan to hit it before then, even though the weight loss has slowed down).

This WL journey has not been easy and is still not easy. I am and always have been a stress and emotional eater. Since I am always stressed (or so it seems), I always want to eat and learning how to address the real issues is tough. I also crave sweets...it seems my sweet tooth has not magically disappeared so I have to be careful about making smart food choices. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't and I do my best not to beat myself up over the bad choices.

There is just so much going on in my head these days and I am really working on focusing on what is most important...that's all I can do. Life goes on whether I am happy or sad and I have to choose to be happy each day or I just make myself more miserable.

Love to you all...

More changes...

96 lbs lost; 14 lbs to go to hit my goal!!

So, this thing where I quit my job at the end of May and have been home with the kids just isn't working out like we thought it would. The economy being what it is and Rio's work being slow means that financially we are not doing well...so I will have to go back to work. I don't mind working; I get alot of satisfaction from working; but since my kids just started back to school...this is when I really need to be home; especially to help Colton stay on track with homework and such. I was really looking forward to making some positive changes but it's so difficult to ensure changes take place when I am back at work full time.

I am frustrated, heartsick and overwhelmed! I have so much on my plate right now in addition to trying to find a job. I am on the PTSA at the high school and the middle school. I am the volunteer coordinator at the middle school and that in itself is like a full time job! I run kids to football practices and games, dance lessons, playdates, to and from school, Dr. appointments...it's never ending! I can't do any of these things when I am working (been there, done that)!

Even Rio is depressed by our financial situation and he never gets depressed! We are both really struggling and it's very difficult for me to make it through each day right now. That may sound melodramatic but there is just so much going on right now and I can barely keep it all straight!

Okay, enough of my whining...here are a few updates from the past month...

Tyler started his senior year!!!!! He is playing football and recently traveled to Ohio with the team for a game (we won) where he had some fabulous catches for ALOT of yards! He is in Madrigals this year and will sing the National Anthem with them at the Homecoming game in a few weeks and by himself in an upcoming talent competition at school. His girlfriend just started at UVU (yes she's a year older) and they talk alot but since Tyler never tells me anything I have no idea if they are actually still "together" or not...LOL!

Colton started 8th grade and is playing football too. This is his 4th year playing in the Ute Conference league for the Jordan district. He practices 3 days a week and games are every Saturday...alot of football this time of year! He has already had to go to detention once for disobeying a teacher...*sigh*...he is the main reason I need to be at home. He tells me he doesn't have homework when he does, he already has assignments he hasn't handed in. If I could, I would go to school with him just to help keep him focused and organized! I love this kid but he is definatly my challenge in life!

Tessa; my baby; started Kindergarten this past week. The week prior to starting she had a one on one with her new teacher for some testing to be done. The teacher called me in afterwards and said that she understood that Tessa had just barely turned 5 and asked me if we had considered holding her back and having her start K next year. That caught me off guard...Tessa's pre-school teacher never said she was struggling but her K teacher, after 10 minutes with her, was telling me that she didn't know enough of her alphabet or her sounds and that she would most likely struggle to keep up with the class; especially because she is so much younger than some of them. So I went home in tears wondering what to do. I talked to anyone and everyone who would listen and I agonized over what to do. Ultimately we decided to go ahead and have her start K and see how she does. I already worried that she would have learning disabilities like Colton and I really don't want her to be at a disadvantage because she just turned 5...but for this to come up a few days before she was to start K...it was too much! We will see how she does and hope that she does not struggle. She is another reason I would like to continue to stay home...to spend some extra time with her, teaching her, helping her stay on top of the things she is learning in class...this becomes difficult if I am working!

Tessa also seems to be having some seperation anxiety the past few days. The first day of K she got right in line and went into class like no big deal. The second day she started to cry and was really hesitant to go. The third day she didn't cry but kind of clung to me, not wanting to go in. She was really hesitant to be away from me this weekend too (she slept at my brothers one night)...hopefully she will be excited for school tomorrow.

Rio is in out riding this weekend with some friends. I miss him terribly but I have been so extremely busy the past few weeks that it seems we don't have much time together anyway. I look forward to him coming home tomorrow.

My neice, Malena, was born just over 2 weeks ago and she is such a beautiful little angel. I was present for her birth (it's always so amazing) and when I get extremely stressed I go over to my brother and sister in laws house and just hold her and look at her and it helps me calm down. She is so sweet and calm...I just love her!

We have also been canning this past week...exhausting! It's rewarding but my oh my it is so time consuming. This is the first year we have had a garden and done the canning thing...last weekend we canned for 2 days straight...it makes for long days!

During all these hectic and stressful times I have not been taking care of myself very well. I make bad food choices quite often and I'm not drinking anywhere near the amount of water that I should be or getting enought sleep which means that the last 20 lbs is not coming off very quickly. I really want to start back to the gym tomorrow now that Tessa is in school...cross your fingers for me to actually get there...LOL! :-)

Okay enought of my rambling...thanks for checking up on me! Love ya!!!!

PMS...

88 lbs lost; 22 lbs to go to hit my goal...

If you are wondering about the subject of my blog today let me explain. In November 2007 I had a procedure done called an Endometrial Ablation. My periods were so heavy and uncomfortable since having my tubes tied in 2003 that my Dr. and I decided this procedure would be a good thing for me. There is over a 90% chance that your monthly periods will stop all together; a 70% chance they will be greatly reduced...lighter and lasting fewer days.

It's a simple procedure although they do put you under anesthesia; it only lasts a few minutes. They basically go in and "zap" the lining of the uterus so that it sloughs off.

I have been lucky that since the procedure was done I have not had a period...not a single one; which is a blessing. What really sucks is that I still seem to get most of the symptoms of PMS...irritability, a little swelling and tenderness, but mostly awful mood swings and I'm very emotional! :-(

I have been so emotional and irritable the past few days. All I want to do is cry! I sit and think about all the things I do wrong on a daily basis (I do this alot anyway but it's worse during PMS...lol)! I feel worthless and my thoughts are all over the place! I don't sleep well because my brain won't shut down...it just goes in circles; around and around with all these stupid thoughts! It's so tiring and I spend alot of unproductive time dwelling on these idiotic thoughts! When I get like this I tend to eat more (food as comfort) and try as I might to stay away from the "bad" foods...sometimes I make bad choices and then that pushes me further into depression with thoughts of how I am "screwing up my weight loss"...*sigh*.

So...there you have it...my inner most embarrassing thoughts (although they are sometimes far worse than I mention here but I can't give up ALL my secrets)! I really try to stay positive and keep busy (I'm always busy it seems with the kids and their activities) but these yucky thoughts still creep in and sometimes they take over!

On top of that I have been extremely tired the past little bit. My Dr.'s office called today to tell me that the lab work I had done a few weeks ago shows that my Iron is still low...a good indication of why I am so tired. I have been taking an Iron supplement for a few months but apparently I need to bump it up a bit to get my Iron over 50. It's currently at 43.

This isn't a very fun post and for that I apologize. I just feel the need to put it down in words today. Thanks for listening!

American Idol tryouts...

So...American Idol tryouts were today. My oldest son Tyler who is 17 and LOVES music and singing decided to try out. We went yesterday and got registered and got our wristbands and tickets. We had to be at the Energy Solutions Arena this morning at 5:00 am.

Wow...it's amazing how much you learn about how they tape the show when you are in line FOREVER!!!! The ONLY reason they have everyone show up at 5 am is so that they can film everyone in line for the show. All the local news networks also got in their "shots" for the morning news shows and the newspapers were there taking pictures.

We sat outside the ESA in line for almost 3 hours! The line finally started moving at close to 8 am. We moved forward about 100 feet so that they could line a whole bunch of us up on the stairs at the NW corner of the ESA. We then proceeded to do all those opening shots that you will see when American Idol's new season starts. They pan the crowd as we yell and scream and shout "Welcome to Salt Lake City" and all sorts of other random chants. This goes on for a while and then they finally start moving everyone into the building. Auditions were supposed to start at 8 am; by this time it is closer to 9 am.

As we approach the ESA we are told that no outside food or drinks can be brought in other than one bottle of water per person...this is after we had all been given a paper at registration stating to bring food and drinks to keep our energy up and stay hydrated! So there we all are...everyone throwing out bags of food, chips, candy, bottles of gatorade, etc...what a waste!

When we finally get inside we go find our seats which were assigned on the tickets we got at registration. After everyone (all 6000 people give or take) files in and sits down (which takes forever), they start all over again with the shots of the crowd cheering and saying "Welcome to Salt Lake City", "Welcome to Happy Valley", etc., etc., etc...they have us singing songs like "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and "Get Ready" while they film us singing and cheering etc.

They finally get set up and explain how auditions work...not at all like I imagined. They set up 6 to 12 partitions on the floor of the ESA and explain that everyone will audition in groups of 4. So 4 people at a time go up to a table where a producer sits (no Paula, Randy and Simon were not there today). The table is seperated from the next table by a thin black curtain. Each person will take a step forward and start singing their song until the producer tells them to stop. Once all 4 people in that line are done they will all step up to the table and be told their status.

They start with the first "section" of the arena and start lining people up. They explain that if you are a "winner" and you receive a golden ticket that you exit to the northwest side of the arena after your audition...if you are "not a winner" you exit to the southeast side of the arena and you are then escorted up the stairs and outside the arena...never to return...your AI experience is then over.

Since we were in section 14 of 17 sections full of people we decide to go get something to eat. Of course you have to purchase food there since you can't bring your own in with you and the cost is outrageous! $26.50 for a hotdog, 2 pretzels, nachos, popcorn and 2 bottles of water (of course they don't have anything that I should be eating (I had to throw out my almonds and protein bars on the way in) so I eat a pretzel...a big NO NO but I am starving at this point)! We also had one of Tyler's friends with us (he is living with us right now).

I am also told that we can't exit the building for any reason or we will not be allowed back in...so if you smoke you are out of luck because you can't go outside...(yes, I have been smoking again but I managed to take this news in stride...lol)!

After waiting in line for 30 minutes or so we sit down to eat and hear "Please get back to your seats...it's very important that you get back to your seats immediately"...so we head back in.

They finally get everyone situated again and explain that auditions are on hold so they can do some more filming for the show; with a special guest...Ryan Seacrest. Of course the crowd (mostly women but also some gay men) go nuts when he comes out! He actually seems to be a very nice guy (signing autographs and having his picture taken with fans) but he is very tiny...or so he seemed to be from where I was sitting.

So they do the filming with Ryan and it takes forever...LOL! They finally start auditions back up again and Tyler and his friend realize that one of their friends from school who was sitting in a section close to ours is now down on the floor in line to audition...he somehow got down there BEFORE it was time for his section to audition. They decide to investigate so off they go with their tickets and their registration papers...(side note: I had to be there with them because they are minors...we spent time yesterday getting documents notarized so that I could be the "guardian" for Tyler's friend AJ for the day for his audition).

Tyler texts me a little while later and explains that his friends brother helped them out by exchanging their tickets with some parents who were sitting in the section that was up next to audition so that they had the correct "section" tickets to be in the next group to audition...I had to laugh at that...even though they "butted" in line! By this time it was close to noon and I had been up since 3 am and I was desperately in need of coffee!!!

So, up until this time Tyler being Tyler had been very quit, sleeping when he could and pretty much acting like a bump on a log...not getting excited about the group shots or anything. I kept wondering if he was just nervous. I had asked him a few times what song he was going to sing and he kept saying he wasn't sure...LOL...typical teenager. So I am a little nervous when I finally see him down on the floor in line for his audition...I text him and tell him to "look them in the eye" when he sings because he tends to get really nervous when he performs...even when he is on stage with the high school choir I can see his face get red and I can tell how nervous he is.

When his group of 4 finally gets up to the table to audition he is of course at a table that I can't see from where I am sitting because the black curtain is blocking my view (bummer!) I had a very limited view of his group but could not see him when he actually sang. I watched as his group of 4 stepped up to the table after they had completed their audition and I was sad to watch as Tyler DID NOT receive a golden ticket. I was bummed but I also knew that he would be okay with it...he seemed so blaze' about the whole thing...he doesn't show me his emotions very often...but I knew he was okay with the outcome.

Tyler (in the blue striped shirt) and his friend AJ (in the glasses) standing in line for their audition. I didn't get very good pictures today...every time I tried to take a picture of Tyler he would turn away. I took this one from way across the room and had to really ZOOM in to get it but I think Tyler knew I was trying to take pictures because he wouldn't look my way and he kept his water bottle up by his face...what a turkey!!!

I headed out to meet Tyler and AJ (he didn't make it either). When I asked Tyler what the producer had said to him about his audition he said that she told him that he sang really well but that he was too nervous (who isn't at a time like that?). He told me that she said that she could see how much his arms were shaking...I actually thought that was kind of an odd thing to say.

As we were driving home I tried to pry more details out of him about it (he honestly is difficult to talk to sometimes...it's like pulling teeth!). We were discussing how weird the whole process was (the tables, the groups of 4, auditioning in that huge room full of people) and we wondered how many of the "awful" singers got golden tickets (you know who they are...the ones that are hideous and we all love to watch their auditions)! Tyler mentioned how the producer had said to him "You sang well but I can't put you on TV because you act like you don't really care"...or something along those lines...she also mentioned that he needed to work on his "stage presence". (One more side note: when Tyler was younger; around age 8 to 10 or so, he would clasp his hands in front of his chest and sing "Figaro, Figaro, Fi..ga..ro!!" in his best opera voice for anyone who would listen and he NEVER got embarrased...I don't remember exactly when this changed but the last few years he turns beet red when he sings in front of a crowd...but he really does love to sing!).

So...I know this was a long post but that was our American Idol experience. All in all I am glad he at least tried (even though I was not looking forward to the long day). I am even glad he "butted" in line...it meant we were done and on our way home by 1:00 pm...LOL!!!

Oh...and I ate horribly today but I will get back on track tomorrow. It's been a busy few days and the rest of the week is not looking any better but I am going to try my hardest to get to the gym at least twice this week!

WHEW...Happy Tuesday...and I promise my next post won't be this long!!!! :-)

Survey

I saw this on Beth's blog and thought I would steal it since I'm sure these are questions you are all dying to know the answers to!!!

1) Name something you have in common with all of your siblings? We all have the same parents, we are all married (with the most recent wedding of my little sis Anna a few weeks ago).

2) Do you fold your underwear? Yes...I fold everyone's underwear in our house! LOL

3) Do you like to drink the juice out of otter pops? I don't eat Otter Pops since surgery but when I did...yes...I drank the juice although I preferred popsicles on a stick to Otter Pops!

4) Who is the last person you wrote a letter to on paper? The IRS...although they aren't really a person are they?

5) What was your first job? Besides the chores we did at home and all the babysitting growing up...Dixie Frozen Yogurt when I was 14 years old...I LOVED working there cause I loved their frozen yogurt! I used to go there even after I didn't work there anymore...until they finally closed down years later.

6) Aside from Driver's Ed, who really taught you how to drive? When I was 14 my boyfriend was 17 and he taught me to drive his VW Rabbit. It was a stick shift so I learned to drive one of those first.

7) What's the one thing you love/miss about your Grandma's cooking? She served bread and butter at every single meal...I loved that!

8) What color is your favorite hoodie? I was always too fat for hoodies and now that I am thinner it's the wrong time of year...so I dont't have one.

9) Name a sound that disturbs you? My kids saying "Mom"..."Mom"..."Mom", over and over and over when I am on the phone or talking to someone.

10) What's your typical ice cream order at Dairy Queen? I don't eat ice cream but before surgery it was a Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard...oh how I miss them!

11) What do you think of when you hear the word cabbage? Coleslaw.

12) What did you do today? Took my son to get his wristband and ticket to audition for American Idol tomorrow.

13) What did you do last night? Unpacked from our camping trip, took a shower, watched TV and went to bed.

14) Do you have a cell phone? Yes...it has my whole life on it! Sad but true!

15) Are you emotional? Um...YEAH...overboard on the emotions!

16) Have you ever had the same dream more than once? Yes, the one where I am at school and can't remember my locker combination...weird!

17) Name a song that makes you happy? Too many to choose just one...

18) Do you use chap stick? When I don't have anything else for my lips then yes.

19) What was the most recent thing you bought? A drink and beef jerky for Tyler at the 7-11.

20) What is on your refrigerator door? Pictures that people send with Christmas cards, lots and lots of magnets, a family birthday list, a birthday invitation, etc.

21) Name something you have to do tomorrow? Sit on my butt all day long at the Energy Solutions Center waiting for Tyler's turn to try out for American Idol.

22) What was the last movie you watched? Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on the way home from camping yesterday.

23) Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? Neither

24) When was the last time you had Starbucks? This morning.

25) Can you whistle? Yes but it's very off tune.

26) Do you have a trampoline at your house? Yep.

27) What movie do you know every line to? Steel Magnolias

28) Do you maintain any friendships originating from elementary school? Nope...I'm not even friends with anyone from high school...not sure why...

29) What are you wearing? Cut off sweats and a tank top. My wardrobe is pretty limited these days...I shrink out of of clothes pretty fast as I lose weight so my wardrobe is very small.

30) What was the last thing you ate? Some pistachios.

31) Do you take pills daily of any sort? OMG...if you saw the pile of vitamins I take everyday you would choke just looking at it! I can't even name them all with out pulling out a written list of them!

32) When was the last time you did the dishes? About 3 hours ago...I don't have a dishwasher so I wash them by hand every single day of my life for the last 7 years!

33) How much sleep did you get last night? 8 hours...I crashed hard last night after our camping trip.

34) Do you own any band t-shirts? Um...Nope!

35) Last song you sang out loud? Can't remember...whatever was on the radio in the car today...LOL!

36) When was the last time you slept on the floor? Not recently enough to remember...although the bed in our camp trailer would just about qualify.

37) Would you chew gum that's already been chewed? Why would anyone?

38) Who have you talked to today? Rio, all 3 of my sisters, my mom, my kids, they registration guy at American Idol, the clerk at 7-11.

39) What comes to your mind when I say pumpkins? Pie.

40) Color of your shirt? Black

41) How old are you? 37...too old!

42) What is your background on your computer? Plain purple with the words "Margo loves Rio" that flash randomly...ahhh...so cute!

And there you have it...all my secrets...Enjoy! :-)

5 mile hike and sliding on glaciers...

87 lbs lost; 23 lbs to go to hit my goal!

I started back to the gym last week and even though I was only able to go 3 days it helped kick start my weight loss again. I had been stalled for about a month!

For the 24th of July weekend we went to Great Basin National Park with Rio's family; camping at Wheeler Peak (10,000 feet elevation). We went on a tour of Lehman's caves...very cool!

This is a picture of the inside of Lehman's cave. It is very interesting and the 60 minute tour was pretty fascinating although a little claustaphobic for me at some points.

The biggest thing was our 5 mile hike...yes, FIVE miles! We hiked up another 1200 feet in elevation to a glacier. I seriously had no intention of going on the hike...I have never liked to hike but everyone else was going (even my 62 year old mother in law and the little 4, 5 and 6 year old kids!)...so I went. It wasn't the funnest thingI've ever done although we had a great time sliding down the snow on trash bags when we reached the glacier! The best part for me was that I was actually able to do the entire 5 miles...and it was steep! If this trip had taken place last year at this time I would not have even considered the hike...I never would have made it anyway carrying around all that extra weight! So although it wasn't my favorite thing...I am proud that I was able to make the hike and even had a pretty good time!

This is the top of Wheeler Peak...we hiked up to this glacier...it was very nice up there!

Me and Tessa walking up the snow so she can slide down on her trashbag. The little boy on the left is my nephew Logan who decided to slide down without the aid of a trashbag...LOL!

Colton and Tessa as they arrive at the bottom of the snow on their trash bag!

Tomorrow is an exciting day...I get to sit at the Energy Solutions Center ALL DAY long waiting for my son's turn to try out for American Idol! He is a minor so I have to be there with him all day! As exciting as it is that he is trying out I have such a hard time with the fact that I have to sit there all day long doing nothing!!! I do plan to take some good books and hopefully I will get alot of reading done! I'll keep you posted!!!

Happy Monday!!!

Oregon coast...and Goonies!!!

It's the GOONIES house!!! If you haven't seen the movie Goonies you are missing out! It was one of our favorites when we were growing up and my kids love it too!!!










Me and my little sister, Anna, July 12th at Cannon Beach, OR. I was the MATRON of honor...who wants to be called a matron? YUCK!











Cannon Beach, OR...WOW!

We had such a FANTASTIC time in Oregon last week. It was ALOT of hours in the car but we split it into 2 days there and 2 days back. Tyler (who is 17) is too cool to hang with his family for a week (and he had football) so he did not go. Rio, Colton, Tessa and I left Tuesday, July 8th in the afternoon and reached Seaside, OR on Wednesday afternoon (we stayed overnight in Le Grande, OR).

We stayed in the cutest little house 2 blocks from the beach at Seaside, OR. Two of my sisters and their families and my mom stayed in the house next to ours and arrived about 15 mintues after we did. My 2 brothers originally were not going to be able to come but at the last minute they both decided to make the trip and they arrived on Friday afternoon. My dad arrived Friday as well and stayed with us. My brothers and their families stayed in the little hotel directly behind the houses we stayed in so we were all right there together (except for Anna, the bride, who stayed in Cannon Beach about 15 minutes away).

So...for Anna's wedding, all five of her siblings, 13 of her 14 neices and nephews and both of our parents were there...it's not often that we are all together in one place let alone for a few days at a time! Four of us and our dad live in Salt Lake; one sister and our mom live in St. George and the other sister lives in Elk Grove, CA (right outside Sacramento).

Anna's wedding on Cannon Beach on Saturday was so beautiful...other than the hike down to the beach (which wasn't as bad as the hike back UP in all that soft sand...talk about a calf workout)! It was a little chilly but it was so much fun we didn't notice too much! My mom and sisters did all the food (fabulous) and Bubba's (the groom) sister Kim did the cake...it was all so fabulous!

Now...for the bad part...I did not do well with my eating while we were gone. I found myself snacking or grazing while traveling (out of boredom) and I ate things like crackers or chips...things I should not be eating. It was very difficult to get all my water in because it's hard to have to pee every five minutes while we are driving down the road (I have the worlds smallest bladder...I swear)!

We were out and about so much with no real schedule that it was hard to stick to an eating schedule and then we ate out alot so sticking to correct portions was hard for me. All in all when I got home and weighed myself I was relieved to discover that I had not gained any weight...but I hadn't lost any either (I've been on a plateau for quite a few weeks now).

Brooke & Megan (my sisters) and I went walking each morning on the promenade by the beach so that was a good thing...it's easier to exercise when it's with someone else. I have since decided that I am going to sign back up for the gym (I lost my membership when I quit my job).

I figured out that a big part of the reason I hate exercise is because I hate to sweat...not because I'm prissy, I just hate the sweating part for some reason. But I do love to swim so I plan to sign up for the gym and do my cardio on the treadmill and then do some swimming each day. It will be nice to take Tessa to the daycare there so I don't have to figure out how to get my exercise in while taking care of her. If we go swimming together I obviously can't leave her alone so I can't swim laps with her there.

I also need to start working on toning up all the parts that are sagging from the weight loss (the bat wings (arms), the butt, the thighs, etc). There is no doubt that I will need plastic surgery on my abdomen...I doubt I will ever be able to tone that all up but I will certainly try to do my best with it over the next 12-18 months before I have any type of surgery. I also need to strengthen my core and my abs to alleviate my back pain. Even though I had surgery almost 5 years ago my back is still not very strong and I have constant pain.

Exercise should also help the depression and negativity issues I have been fighting since I quit my job to stay home full time. It's been more of an adjustment than I thought and I have really been struggling. I need to feel like I am making a difference and so far I don't. But that's just me thinking that I need to move mountains everyday...it doesn't happen and I need to learn to be more accepting of my daily accomplishments and less negative about the things I "think" I should have accomplished each day.

Thank to all of you who support me each and every day. I love you with all my heart!

Losing again...

83 lbs lost; 27 lbs to go to hit my goal!

My weight loss stalled for a few weeks, which is normal, but a little discouraging. I have lost 3-4 lbs a week for the past 2 weeks...yippee! I keep coming up with excuses not to exercise and the only person that hurts is me! My extreme dislike of exercise seems to be stronger than my yearning to be toned up...*sigh*!

My sister in law was at my house today so I asked her to take an updated photo of me. No I did not lose or cut off all my hair; it's just pulled up into a messy ponytail. I very rarely (if ever) allow pictures to be taken of me if I don't have my hair and make up done (yes, very vain) but I did today so don't let the picture scare you!

July 7th will be my 6 month "surgiversary". My pouch has been maturing and if I am so inclined I will be able to eat more than I do now...I'm a little worried. I am not known for my willpower (hence the need for surgery in the first place) and even at almost 6 months post op I don't always make the best food choices. Sometimes I wonder what in the hell is wrong with me that I can't seem to be stronger...other times I really try to remember that I get to be proud of what I have done so far and that I need to quit beating myself up about things. It's like dual personalities and they conflict with each other so much...or maybe, just maybe I am completely BONKERS!

I took Tessa swimming today in my new size 14 swimming suit (I just purchased a size 12 in pants and they are a little snug but they fit!!). I have the "tell tale" saggy skin from losing so much weight so quickly and my "apron" (abdominal skin that sags!) is still an issue but all in all I felt pretty good in my swimming suit. Okay, okay, I still wear the bottoms that have a skirt but I'm telling you the smaller size the suit the shorter the skirt...LOL!!!

I get compliments from so many people on my weight loss...it's still hard to accept compliments but I think I do better accepting them now than I ever have before...I am a work in progress.

A few weekends ago Rio and I were walking into the movie theatre and Rio proceeded to tell me that he had been watching a guy that had been watching me. I kept telling him there is no way a guy was looking at me but he says he notices guys looking at me all the time. I don't take any notice of it so it's funny to me that he notices (or thinks he does anyway). It just so happens that Rio can be a little jealous...which makes me feel good but has always made me laugh because I have no interest in anyone but him.

This surgery has been difficult for him in different ways than it has been for me. He see's me changing so drastically; physically; and feeling better about myself and he worries that I will lose interest in him (won't happen). I am married to the absolute best man in the world and I NEVER thought that my surgery would affect us the way it has. Just goes to show you that no one is immune.

Happy 4th of July (in a few days)! Next week we are off to Oregon for my little sisters wedding. I didn't get my bat wings all toned up so I would look great in my "matron of honor" dress but it's ok. One day, one hour, one minute at a time...I'm doing what I can each day and I am okay with where I am!

Hugs to you all!

Being home...

79 lbs lost, 31 lbs to go to hit my goal!

I got a scathing email from my friend Pattie today (ok, it wasn't really scathing...lol) telling me that she keeps checking this site for updates and wondering why I haven't posted updates since I have more free time now a days...now that's funny (and I know Pattie knows I don't have more free time these days...haha)! Unfortunately I don't have any updated full body pictures right now. I will try to remember to have someone take some soon.

Tessa and I had some pictures taken the other day at the Target portrait studio. You can go to this link https://www.thesmilestation.com/home.asp?AC=LTTT0889103293TAR to view them. When the page opens up, under Guest Name type in Lisa Bremer. Some of these pictures are of Tessa and her best friend Eve (they look alot alike). Eve's mom works at Target photo studio so she did these pictures for us. I don't particularly like the pictures of me because you can see every little crack, line and crevice in my face but I did order some of them since Tessa and I have never had our pictures taken by ourselves before.

Being home is tough! I thought I would have all the time in the world to exercise and whip my kids into shape...not so much! I'm lucky to get in one workout a week and the kids are still walking all over me! "Baby steps...baby steps...baby steps"! I have to keep reminding myself that changes don't always happen overnight. I had to make an appointment with the life coach last week just to get a better feel for what the hell I'm doing (or want to be doing). Poor Kim (lifecoach) has to keep reminding me that I'm a good person, a good mother, a good wife and that I am too hard on myself (I know...I know...aren't we all?).

I am struggling with some depression with the changes in my daily routine. It's harder to stay away from the food when I'm home with it all day. I don't always make the best choices but I'm doing ok and I try not to beat myself up about it. I must be having some PMS this week because all I want to do is sleep and cry! I love being a hormonal woman!!!! :-)

I keep having to step back and ask myself why I expect myself to be perfect? I've been in counseling numerous times over the years and I know that NO ONE is perfect; least of all me. For some reason in the back of my head I had this idea that I wasn't really acknowledging that said that all the things I wanted to accomplish when I quit working would be completed in the first few days and then my life would be perfect...didn't happen (of course)! I try every day to remind myself that I am making progress every day and that I am accomplishing something everyday but it's hard to sell myself on these things sometimes!

My kids are a huge issue for me right now; especially the boys. They are older and kind of set in their ways (our fault) and trying to tell them "No" when I've always said "Yes" is very difficult for me. I don't want my kids to hate me so I give in...I always have...and in the process I have crippled them in so many ways....UGH!!!

Anyway, I'm a little emotional right now so I will sign off for now. Thanks to all my friends, family and loved ones for their support. I love you all!

No more work...

So...my last day of work was supposed to be last Friday, May 30th. Rio ended up having to go to St. George on Friday for work so at about 4:30 pm on Thursday I decided that Thursday would be my last day! :-)

We left early Friday morning for St. George and took Tessa with us. We stayed for the weekend and had a really nice time. I spent alot of time with my sister Megan and her 4 kids. We did some Mod Podge...something I have never done but my sisters are very creative and so we did some magnet boards and some frames! Thank goodness for creative sisters because I can't do anything creative on my own.

We got home on Sunday afternoon and as usual the house was a mess from the boys being home alone all weekend...the real world is going to slap them in the face one of these days...I hope!

So...so far being home is okay. I have been busy catching up on laundry, grocery shopping and even cooking a meal or two. The boys last day of school was Monday and I'm giving them the rest of this week off before I start cracking the whip...lol!

So far so good...no major issues...BUT...I've only exercised one day out of three so far this week! I have to get my BUTT in gear!

Hugs!

More changes...

I have lost 70 lbs; 40 lbs more to lose to hit my goal!

Alot of birthdays recently! Rio turned 39! Tyler turned 17! Colton turned 13! All 3 birthdays are within 11 days so we had a b-b-que a few weekends ago for all of them. It was fun!

On 4/29/08 I gave my notice to my employer that I would be leaving; my last day is tomorrow. I am going to stay home with my kids (God help us all!) and work on providing more structure and instilling some better habits for my children. Colton especially has struggled with 7th grade; his ADHD and learning disabilities making it even more difficult for him. We decided that he also could not have another unsupervised summer of sleeping all day (while we are at work) and staying up all night (because we are in bed early so we can go to work). I think all three of my children will benefit by having me home but I hope to spend alot of time with Colton working on changing some bad habits and instilling some new, better habits before the next school year.

Tessa is very excited that she gets to stay home with mommy! She is excited to have play dates with her friends and to just be at home. I'm sure she will miss Auntie Elka, Jaeger, Gauge and even uncle Brad, but since they live right up the street I'm sure we will see them plenty and get to spend some quality time with them too!

We have a very busy summer coming up with summer camps, dance lessons, weight training for the boys for football, football camps and a week or two of summer school. We need to finish planting the garden and then get ready for some major canning (SALSA!) in the next few months. The garden and the canning are new for us so we will see how it goes. I have plans to paint some rooms in the house and to help (or just nag) Rio to get our unfinished remodeling projects completed this year! We have been remodeling for FIVE years now!!! It's time to get it done!

We are traveling to Oregon in July for my little sisters wedding and we have three family reunions coming up as well; not sure how many of those we will be able to make it to. One is in Canada, one is in New Mexico and one in St. George. In August we will travel to Ohio to watch Tyler and the JHS Football team play in a tournament that will be televised on ESPN. FUN, FUN, FUN!

I have mixed feelings about leaving my job. I don't hate my job but I don't love it either...and like everyone else; I want to LOVE what I am doing! I appreciate and acknowledge that I do better with the structure of having to be at work everyday than I do with having free time on my hands. I intend to create structure and a schedule for all of us at home starting next week. I will also be learning to do cabinet layouts on the computer so I can help Rio with his workload.

I also intend to get my butt in gear and start working out on a regular basis. Rio and I are planning on doing it together. The weight loss will slow down soon and I have alot of work to do to reach my goal and to tone and tighten everything up! I have about six weeks until the wedding, at which I am the maid of honor, and I need to tone up some areas so I will look decent in my dress! :-)

I am excited and nervous about the changes in my life...being home with the kids all the time will be a challenge and I hope I can do it! Going from two incomes to one, double insurance coverage to only one insurance...it's all a little nerve racking!

Here are a few recents pictures of the kids...

Tessa at a dance performance at Wheeler Farm.

Colton...taking pictures of himself...lol!
Tyler & his girlfriend Lacy...awww so cute!

I am so thankful for all the blessing I have in my life everyday! My husband is the most wonderful man I have ever known and his love and support mean the world to me.

Wish me luck and check back often for updates!

Fun in St. George (where it's WARMER)

Rio and me at my sister's in St. George at Easter time...still a small sign of 2 chins!

Colton and Tessa on one of the new 4 wheelers out in the red dirt of DIXIE!

Rio and Tessa at the little water fountain park in downtown St. George.

Catching up...again!

As of 4/21/08 I have lost 60 lbs! 50 more to go to hit my goal!!!!

I'm a slacker at keeping this blog updated...my apologies! Things have been very hectic the past few months...work, home, kids, etc.

Rio and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary on April 10th. We spent a wonderul weekend in St. George riding our new 4 wheelers! Rio bought me a BEAUTIFL anniversary band that I just love! Of course we had agreed not to get each other gifts because we had just purchased a new bed...but he went ahead and bought me a ring anyway...don't I feel stupid having not gotten him anything...I should have known better!

As Rio says...I am "melting away"! I have given away bags and bags of my clothes and I've never had such a small amount of clothes in my closet in my entire life! I want to shop but don't want to spend money on clothes that won't fit for very long! In St. George again last weekend I bought a new dress for a wedding we were attending...size 14! I haven't worn dresses for a long time and the last one I bought a few years ago was a size 22-24. Around my birthday I bought 2 new pairs of pants for work...size 16...they are already a little big. A few days ago I bought a pair of denim capri's at Target...size 14! I don't remember the last time I wore a size 14. When I lost weight a few years ago I got down to a size 16 so I do still have some of those clothes but they are quickly becoming too large.

This journey is exciting but difficult at the same time. I don't always stick to eating the way I should. I haven't had any issues with foods that I can't eat like some post op patients do. I have started losing my hair (normal after this procedure) but I guess I figured it wouldn't be too bad. I'm freaking out a little because I am losing handfuls of hair everytime I wash or comb it. Now...I have pretty thick hair and no one can tell I'm losing it except for the fact that it's all over my pillows, clothes and the bathroom shower drain and floor! So even though no one can tell...I'm still freaking out over it! I have upped my protein intake and have started using Nioxin shampoo (for hair regrowth). Yesterday I even bought Nioxin vitamins to help with the growth! Pretty vain...

Back to eating...it's still difficult sometimes...I still fight head hunger sometimes and I don't always get enough water each day. It's a day to day thing and I do my best each day. I have not been getting to the gym the past few weeks like I should but I try not to berate myself over it either. My kids schedules and activities and my work, etc. keep me pretty busy and I just do what I can in a day and start over again the next day.

I will try to post a few new photos of me although I haven't really had many taken...I think the last ones were a few weeks ago.

Life is a JOURNEY, not a Destination. Live in the NOW!

(((hugs)))

Catching up...

My birthday was uneventful...had stuff going on that evening with the kids. Rio and I spent Saturday together shopping and hanging out. We stayed at a hotel that night; had some alone time; it was really nice! We had a family party at my dad's on Sunday...lots of good food but I stuck to my portions! I did have one bite of cake and it was yummy! Happy 37th Birthday to me!

I had my 2 month post op Dr. visit the day after my birthday. I had lost 40 lbs at that point and the Dr. said I was right on track (even though I hadn't exercised for 3 weeks!)!! He did tell me I needed to exercise (cardio) at least 5 days a week for 30 min at a time. So...I went to the gym at 5:00 AM THIS MORNING!!!! I actually feel really good during the day when I go in the morning except that I start losing steam about mid afternoon.

As of yesterday I have lost a total of 43 lbs!!!!! 67 lbs to go to hit my goal weight! All my pants are too big; even the ones that my mom took in for me. I am in mourning for all my nice, expensive clothes that I have purchased over the past few years that I can't wear anymore. I'm excited to go shopping but I hate to buy clothes that I won't be able to wear for very long. I;m going to have to start safety pinning everything! LOL :-)

I've been seeing a life coach and she is helping me work through some things I'm having a ahard time with such as low self esteem, head hunger, self doubt, guilt, etc...same old stuff I've always dealt with!

Well, gotta run...more updates soon!

Getting older...

1 more lb lost = 40 lbs total lost; 70 pounds to go...

I've stalled a little bit due to my "non exercise" and most likely because I have eaten some things lately that I shouldn't! I DID get on my treadmill this morning at 5:15 am so that's a start! I actually feel better during the day when I get up and exercise it's just that getting out of bed that kicks my butt! I walked for 20 minutes this morning while listening to my Chakra clearing morning meditation. It actually made the time go by faster so that's a good thing. There's nothing more boring than walking on the treadmill at O'dark 30 with no one to talk to and no activity going on in the house! I know I can always read or watch TV but just the idea of a treadmill bores me silly...actually the thought of exercise all together does that to me! LOL! I am going to make more of an effort this week though so I can ramp up the weight loss again. I have to get looking hot for my sisters wedding! Gotta get toning up too!

So, I guess in a way I'm trying to start over and get back on track! Watch for updates!

Another day...

On Monday, 2/25 I was only down ONE pound! Total lost is -39 lbs; 71 lbs to go to goal weight!

So, the Gold's Gym thing hasn't worked out so well so far. I was planning on going on Monday morning at 5:00 am; my sister was going to meet me there (we both work at the same place) and they gym is close by. I had my bag packed so I could get ready for work at the gym. I woke up Monday morning with a MIGRAINE! I don't get them very often and if I can catch them before they come on too strong them I'm OK but I didn't catch this one so it made me nauseous and I ended up taking Tylenol and laying back down for an hour or so before getting ready for work! So far Tues and Wed I haven't attempted the Gym again...maybe the thought of the gym brought on my migraine...hmmm...interesting. I think I thought that by having surgery I would have an instant love of exercise...that hasn't happened yet! When the weather warms up maybe it will be different!

It's actually 50 degrees today and feeling pretty nice here in SLC, UT! I was out and about at lunch and it was awesome. Here is photo of the Wasatch Mountains; taken from our new offices on the 4th floor where I sit; except I don't actually sit by a window...maybe that's why I'm depressed!

Monday night after work I met with a lifecoach that a good friend of mine has been seeing for quite some time. She asked me why I was there and I told her "Because I'm a mess"! I have so many things I want to change and so many things in my life that I know I don't want but I don't necessarily know what I do want. I live in fear of offending people or hurting people's feelings so I never say what I really feel like saying; I let people walk all over me (mostly at work).

I'm struggling with so many things after having the Gastric Bypass. I constantly want to eat, even if I'm not hungry. I constantly want to put something in my mouth and I crave sweets (or my head tells me I do)! In addition to not exercising the past few weeks I've eaten things I shouldn't, I've eaten more than I should and I've had coffee 3 times...that is a "NO NO". I'm tired, cranky, irritable, angry, sad, depressed, anxious and everything in between.

I want JOY and PEACE in my life! I want to enoy my children instead of constantly nagging them to "do this or do that" or "how come you didn't do this/that/the other". I want my children to enjoy me instead of knowing that every time we talk it's going to be a negative experience. My two oldest kids (boys; 16 & 12) are the ones that bear the brunt of my negativity. Nothing they do is good enough; just like I feel that nothing I do is good enough. I've always felt that way...my entire life...as far back as I can remember.

My 12 year old has ADHD and is very hard to deal with sometimes. He is obnoxious and bounces off the walls! He mouths off alot and always has to have the last word. Some of that is just his age; it's not all ADHD but there are times when being in the same room with him is enough to make me angry! I don't want to feel that way about my own child! I get frustrated with my other two children also...they all have their moments; which makes me feel like such an awful mother.

My assignments from the life coach this week are to listen to my Chakra Clearing CD every morning and every night http://www.sacredcenters.com/chakras.html. The other assignment is for me to spend 10-15 minutes per day in front of the mirror telling myself outloud that "everything in my life is as it should be right at this moment" and "I am perfect, safe, loved and I am a good person/mother/wife, etc". The second assignment is the most difficult and so far I've not been able to bring myself to do it. Who wouldn't feel stupid talking to themself in the mirror telling themselves how wonderful they are? Part of what I am working on is not living in fear so I will work on this assignment tonight and tell myself how wonderful I am. I need to feel free to express my emotions/thoughts whether I'm in a room with 500 people or looking at myself in the mirror!

Well, I'm sure I could go on forever with my "woes" so I'll end now with this...

There are things in my life that I am grateful for and not every moment of my life is spent in negativity. I am working on bettering myself!

Loves!!

Food is fuel...Food is fuel...

I've been to some of the other Obesity websites and it seems that depending on where you have surgery and who your Dr. is, your post op instructions are different. I see on other sites that people are able to have protein drinks, coffee and a few other things that I was told not to have. People who have surgery at RMAP pay $500 for a big blue binder full of educational information, specific food instructions and all sorts of information. It's not that I don't value the information but there are some things that others are able to have that I can't...this week my weakness seems to be coffee.

I know coffee gets fattening because of the creamer and sugar. I actually prefer frozen lattes. I used to stop every morning at Beans & Brews and get a 24 oz. Frozen Vanilla Latte. It's like a slurpee but it tastes like coffee with vanilla flavoring. Luckily since my work moved to a new building there is not a B&B on my way to work anymore! LOL! Oh how I miss those frozen lattes. Starbucks has a "Skinny Latte" but it's a hot drink and I just don't love those as much. I could never gag down straight black coffee so I've just been going without...but what I wouldn't give to have one!

I ate lunch today at the Cheesecake Factory for the first time. I had Salmon and Asparagus and it was wonderful! I did have one little bite of cheesecake so that I wouldn't spend the rest of the day wondering about it and feeling like I missed out...I know...I know...rationalizing a bad choice doesn't make it right!

Although I have a treadmill at home I joined Gold's Gym this week. There is one right next to work so starting Monday I plan to go do Cario Cinema a few times a week before or after work. I need to do mornings but it's difficult to get up that early and then I have to leave my husband to make sure everyone gets up and out the door on time each day; which he is capable of; but I feel guilty just the same!

It's the weekend baby...ENJOY!

Starting to feel better...

Lost 2 more lbs, 76 lbs to go!

I am finally starting to feel a little better, getting over my cold, although I'm still not getting my exercise in each day. I purchased a pedometer that I wear on the waist of my pants each day to keep track of how many steps I take, how many calories I burn and how far I walk. I try to get up and walk around quite a bit at work when I have a few minutes...which a few minutes can be difficult to find most days! I average about 1.5 miles per day; which is good; but I would like to be walking at least a mile a day just on my treadmill. I'm thinking of joining the gym and going there a few nights a week right after work.

I've decided that I really wish I enjoyed cooking...I get bored eating so much of the same things all the time. I have found so many wonderful recipes for post WLS (weight loss surgery) patients but I just don't enjoy preparing them! I'm not creative enough to come up with things on my own...sad, but true! I had the best of intentions to start cooking every night for my family...healthy meals that we can all eat...so far my track record leaves alot to be desired...kind of like my track record with my treadmill!!

So many emotions come in the aftermath of this surgery. I mourn food every single day...all the things I can't eat or won't ever eat again! Sometimes I want to stuff my face with all the things I miss...the only thing that keeps me from doing it is the fact that I would get so ill if I did!

I miss Diet Dr. Pepper, Frozen Vanilla Lattes, coffee w/ sugar and creamer, cake with buttercream frosting, ice cream, potatoes, pasta, cookies, candy, bread, donuts, etc, etc, etc...

• Did I make a mistake? I don't think so but it's a struggle every single day!
• Do I regret having surgery? Not usually but sometimes yes.
• Will it all be worth it in the end? I believe it will!!!

One struggle I'm having right now is not smoking. I miss it terribly. It was those times during the day that I took breaks at work with my friends; now it's harder to keep up with them because I don't see or talk to them as much. It was those times at home when I would read; now I don't get nearly as much reading in each day. Driving, sitting around with friends and chatting...Stupid reasons to smoke but it's almost like I am mourning my old daily routines as well as the food I can't eat. It makes for some difficult and emotional times... :-(

I am working on being more optimistic and positive...difficult things for me. I realize things can't change overnight but I know that I have the power to be as happy as I want to be...I just need to DO IT!

Tomorrow is another day...

Long weekend...

I am so glad I have Monday off. I've got a cold and I need the extra day to get feeling better. I missed work yesterday and still feel pretty crappy today but since I missed 3 weeks of work when I had my surgery I figured I better not miss too much work right now!

Not much new to report right now other than I'm still so tired all the time and now that I'm sick it's even worse. I'm afraid I haven't lost any weight this week...I'm actually petrified that I've gained a few pounds back because I haven't been doing my exercise each day. But I only weigh myself once a week so I won't weigh until Monday. If the numbers go up I might just pull my hair out!

I need to get a grip...stop being so hard on myself...concentrate and be happy with the positive things I have done/am doing! I don't know what's wrong with me. It's so easy for me to give advice and support to others but when it comes to taking care of me...I suck at it!

So, I'll take more cold meds, go home and try to rest this weekend. Here's to hoping that I get feeling better and can start fresh again next week!

Excuse Me, Your Life is NOW!!!

AWFUL day...

Lost 4 more lbs last week; down -34 lbs total; 76 lbs to go!

It's ridiculous that I feel like I should have lost more weight than this by now...everyone says I'm too hard on myself...

Today I feel like I woke up; got smacked in the face; and then found out it was only 6:00 am and I still had a full day ahead of me! I'm having an awful day for some reason! I am tired, emotional, overwhelmed and all I want to do is cry!

Work has been awful today; back to the same old, same old of always! I'm overwhelmed with trying to keep up and on top of that I'm kicking myself for not getting my exercise in everyday! I used to be hungry all the time and now I the thought of food makes me sick BUT I still seem to want to "snack" all the time (old habits die hard)! I'm sure I wouldn't be so tired if I was getting my exercise done but I can't seem to find or make the time for it. Since I've learned that everything in my life is what I desire it to be it leads me to believe that I don't desire to lose weight as badly as I thought or I would make sure I got my exercise in each day!!!!!!! I'm so frustrated today I could scream!

I've been near tears at least 3 times today at work and all I want to do is go home and sleep! Gotta love being depressed!

I know that there will be days like these but I could sure do without them!

The dog trainer is coming tonight to get started helping us train Dot to poop in the right place. She's almost 2 years old and we are so sick of her pooping wherever she wants to in the house! We had to wait until all the puppies were sold so now it's time to get started. Tonight Tessa also needs to get her Valentines ready for pre-school tomorrow since they don't have class on Thursday...there are never enough hours in the day for everything and I'm already exhausted!

I desperately desire to get my head and my emotions in the right place so I can move forward...tomorrow is another day...thank goodness. I just need to make it through this day!

Small changes...

My constant hunger seems to be subsiding a little. Usually I am yearning for each meal. The past 5 days or so I haven't felt that constant urge to eat as much as I had previously. I sometimes get to meal time and nothing even sounds good; where previously I would eat anything that I could (within the guidelines)!

When I eat my meals, I sometimes don't even finish all 4 tbsp. per meal because I feel satisfied before I'm done...that's a new one! It seems my new stomach pouch is working more like it's supposed to; more like it has been for others who have had this surgery! I am so glad...I had really been struggling with the hunger!

I'm still struggling with exercise. I don't love walking on my treadmill and morning is the best time and really the only time I have during the day to get it done. But getting up at 5:00 am is a killer and today is the first day this week that I actually got up and did my walking. If I try to do it in the evening; after dinner, etc. then it's too close to bedtime and I can't go to sleep! So, mornings is when it needs to be and I need to make a commitment to doing it everyday so I can get to my goal weight! I can't wait until it gets warmer outside so I can go walking outdoors.

Rio left for St. George yesterday with friends to ride motorcycles down there. Their weather hasn't been that great and they even had snow so riding should be wet and muddy! He will be home on Sunday but I really hate it when he's gone. I'm not afraid to be home alone with the kids; I just like it better when he's there too!

Gotta get back to work...FOOD IS FUEL!

4 weeks post op

Today is 4 weeks since my surgery; I have lost 30 lbs!!!! Only 80 lbs to go to hit my goal weight!

I went with my little sister on Saturday to watch her try on wedding dresses. She is getting married in July on the beach in Oregon and I am the maid of honor (or matron I guess). She has the most beautiful hour glass figure (even though she thinks she has big hips) and it was so much fun to watch her try on those beautiful dresses. I know that I will never be that small nor will I have her figure (unless I pay LOTS of money to have myself nipped and tucked into a body like that) but just watching her makes me excited to lose more weight so I can try on and find a beautiful dress for me to wear to her wedding. Because I am continuing to lose weight I will not be able to try on dresses until closer to the big day. I need to tone up my "flabby" arms too since it looks like I'll be wearing a sleeveless dress! I may need to look into a personal trainer before too long so I can start getting things toned up!

I am struggling to get my daily walking in. I did it on Saturday afternoon after having missed Thursday and Friday, but I spent Sunday running errands and grocery shopping so I didn't get it done (although grocery shopping was a long, long ordeal with lots of walking around the store). I had every intention of getting up early this morning and doing it but when that alarm goes off at 4:30 am...it's all I can do to hit snooze for another hour or so! The stupid thing is I actually feel better and have more energy when I do get up early and get my walking done...it's also one less thing to stress about all day long so I don't know why I don't drag my tired self out of bed in the morning and get it done! Tomorrow is a new day...I'll try again! Maybe I'll go to bed at 8:00 pm tonight! LOL :0)

We attended my sister-in-laws birthday party last Thursday...that was a little bit hard. They had Pizza and I had planned on eating my own dinner before we went over but I didnt' have enought time (hectic!!). So I ate some of the toppings off the pizza (meat, chesse, veggies, etc.) since I can't have the crust part. Not the healthiest meal I've had since surgery but it was ok and I kept it down. (WLS patients have a fear of throwing up new foods or the "wrong" foods). For me, the "sweets" lover, the cake and ice cream was the hardest part...I couldn't have any of it! So I kept busy playing with the kids and even tried playing Guitar Hero, which was alot of fun. My kids have that game but I NEVER play video games! Anyway, on our way out the door as I walked past the cake I stuck my finger in the frosting, licked my finger and away I went! I figured a little taste was better than me "jonesing" all night over not being able to have any cake and frosting!!!

I have found a few "treats" that I can have on a limited basis. I found some sugar free frozen fruit bars that are 30 calories and when I really get a hankerin' for something sweet I'll have one of those. I also found some sugar free pudding but it's like 80 calories so I won't indulge in that one very often. Snacking was one of the ways I got fat in the first place so I don't want to get back into those types of habits!

FOOD is FUEL!!!!