Tessa Lou Lou's surgery day...

Tessa had surgery today. She has a condition called Reflux. When urine empties into your bladder there are flaps, one on each side of your bladder, that close once the urine has emptied into your bladder. Tessa's flaps don't close which causes urine to run back up the tubes to her kidneys. This causes infections and can ultimately cause kidney damage. Tessa was diagnosed with this condition 3 years ago. Ultimately we have been waiting to see if she would outgrow it or whether it would correct itself, as in some cases it does. When she had her yearly tests in September the Dr finally said that it was time to correct it.

There were two options for surgery, one option ensures only a 75-80% success, the other option ensures 97% but is more invasive. We decided that if we were going to do it we were going to do option 2 in order to give her the best chance of success.

The first procedure she had done today is called a Cystoscopy, they go in with a scope, that has a lens and a light, inserted into the bladder through the urethra to look for abnormalities. They did this on the right side because that side wasn't as bad. They then correct the abnormalities that they find, which is not too major (they don't really know how bad it will be until they are in there).

The other procedure she had done today is called a Ureteral reimplant where they repair the backward flow of urine from the bladder to the kidney. They did this on her left side. She has a small incision just above her pubic bone.

We opted not to give Tessa much information about what was going to happen today because she already has such awful anxiety that we knew she would have a come apart. We told her (yesterday) that we had to go to the hospital for more tests and that they would put her to sleep like they do for the tests she has had before. She was actually pretty ok with it. We asked that she be given Versaid today to help her relax before they took her back to surgery because normally when she has testing done I go in with her. Since I wouldn't be able to go in with her this time we knew that would upset her (she has had really bad seperation anxiety the last little while - not even wanting to sleep over at her BFF's house because she will "miss us too much" - not sure if this is a result of all the stress in our lives the past year or moving from our house to my sister's to recently moving to an apartment...).

The surgery was almost 2 hours long and everything went fine. She was very weepy & agitated coming out of the anesthesia so they gave her something to help calm her down and we were in Post op for quite a while since she was asleep. We left our apartment at 5:45 AM this morning for surgery and got back home around 12:00 noon.

Once we got home and started on her pain medication she seemed to be doing ok except that she kept saying she was sick to her stomach and was going to throw up. Then she started itching and she was all over the place...playing or walking around one minute and then crying and complaining of pain the next. I expected this, it's common after anesthesia. At around 8:30 PM after her 3rd dose of pain meds (1/2 dose); she finally threw up so we called the Dr. and got something for nausea. She had only slept about 1/2 hour in the 8 1/2 hours we had been home today so the pain meds most likely need to be changed to something different. I will have to call the Dr. tomorrow and discuss it with him.

Here are some pictures of her big day...

Being goofy in the first room we were in while she had vitals taken and changed into "hospital" jammies.

The child advocate (not sure if that is the correct term) explaining to Tessa about the gas mask, the IV, the pulse ox, etc. Tessa got bored with this after a few minutes but she did get to pick out Watermelon smell for her gas mask and said she wanted to be wheeled to surgery in a wagon, not a wheelchair...LOL

Recovery room with her dog "Snowy". She was NOT happy and just wanted to go home! At this point she still did not really understand that she had had surgery. She was very groggy and agitated, they gave her meds to calm her down and she was just starting to fall back to sleep.

On our way home. This was while I was at the Pharmacy Kiosk getting her medication filled.

Just got home & settled onto mommy's bed. She is checking out the gas mask that they let her keep (she had asked if she could have it when she met with the child advocate lady).

Finally crashed at about 9 PM after puking up her pain meds!

We spent most of the afternoon watching her movies, counting the change in her piggy banks, playing with her beads and rocks and having her tell me over and over again "I wish I didn't have to have surgery, this is the worst day ever"! When we first got home today, when she was finally awake enough to understand, I explained that the pain she was having (she kept saying it hurt) was the incision. I explained that she had an owie where the Dr. did surgery to fix the problems so she won't have infections anymore. It's pretty difficult for a 6 year old to understand the whole "bladder infection" thing let alone the surgery that was done.

As she got weepy a little while later she said "I wish you didn't sign me up for surgery"! I almost laughed out loud...LOL! She has voiced that a few times today but I keep trying to explain that it will help so she won't get infections anymore.

Anywhoooo....all in all she is doing well and I hope her recovery continues to go well. I hope she will get lots of rest tonight and that the nausea meds will help her so she can still take her medicine for pain.

It's a scary thing to have your child (or any family member, etc) go under anesthesia. I am so thankful and feel very blessed that everything went well. I know she will rebound well, she is resiliant and amazing!

Holidays...

Still a few lbs under goal weight and almost 2 years post WLS!!! This amazes me since I have not been eating well or taking care of myself nearly as well as I should!

Wow I am behind on blogging, just like everything else these days! I didn't even attempt to get Christmas cards out this year...just. wasn't. happening!

Quick updates...
We finally moved into an apartment almost 2 weeks ago. We went from our "white trash" house to a "ghetto" (but very affordable) apartment...LOL! We lived with my sister & her hubby for 3 1/2 months...we can't thank them enough for helping us in our time of need!

Tyler & Colton both moved back from SG last weekend. Tyler had been working down there and Colton had been attending Tuacahn High School. It was harder on all of us than any of us thought it would be & my mom has had some health problems over the past few months, so we decided to bring Colton home. We struggled with him not being able to finish the school year at Tuacahn because he really liked it there, was doing well and had made great friends. We looked at other options as far as living arrangements that would allow him to finish the year down there but we ultimately decided that it's just ALOT for anyone to take on so we brought him home. Our apartment is not in the boundries for the school he last attended up here but yesterday I was able to obtain a permit for him to go back to school there for the remainder of the year. We had looked at other charter school options also but most wouldn't take a new student mid year. Colton is not especially thrilled about going back to his old school but at this point it's the best option we have.

As always it seems that so many things are "up in the air"...like juggling 20 balls at once. We can't ever seem to get even one issue resolved before another pops up. Last weekend as I was still unpacking, trying to get things put away, putting up the Christmas tree and babysitting my nephews & neice...I was THIS CLOSE to a breakdown! That happened at the same time that my brother, my dad and Rio's parents stopped by! It wasn't so much all the people that were there, it was me being OVERWHELMED with everything I needed to get done! My mental psyche has really taken some big hits this past 12-18 months with everything that has gone on & I constantly marvel at my ability to get through each day...LOL!

The apartment we rented is a 2 bdroom, 2 bath...we didn't realize the boys would be moving home at the time we rented it. So...the boys are "sharing" Tessa's room, with only 1 twin bed, the other sleeps on the couch. Tessa sleeps with us, which she has pretty much done for years anyway haha! It's a little crowded but we are all very rarely home at the same time so it's working ok so far.

The holidays have never been as difficult for me as they are this year. We are broke, we just moved, it's 2 days before Christmas and I am still not sure how we will purchase gifts for the kids! We are up to our foreheads in debt, we lost our house, our 2 oldest haven't quite figured out what they are doing in life, this list goes on and on....BUT...at the same time there are so many things to be thankful for and I work hard to remind myself of that everyday!

We are healthy, we have a roof over our head, food on our table and clothes on our back. We have loving family & friends who are always there for us. I have THE BEST husband in the world...he is so amazing that there are not words to describe him. I would be lost without him!

So...Happy Holidays to all...I hope you are faring well in these tough times. Love ya!

Updates...

118 lbs lost; 8 lbs UNDER goal weight! Stress will do that to ya! I used to EAT, EAT, EAT when I was stressed...now I have learned not to. The flip side is that I am not eating as well as I should nor getting enough water in. I have been sick alot lately so my body is definately not happy with me...but I just keep plugging along!

I am way behind...so much going on the past few months that I haven't even known where to start as far as updates. I will try to keep it short.

We lost our house (crappy economy / long story) but I pretty much see it as a blessing in disguise; a chance to start over. Anyone who knows us knows that we HATED the house we lived for the past 8 1/2 years. It's a long story how we came to be there but the reason we stayed was for our kids and we really do love the area. They boys were getting older and wanted to attend the middle school/high school with their friends...so we stayed. The house was VERY old and although we did some renovations over the years we could never get it completely done and the parts we would get done would end up having problems (water leak) and we would have to tear them out. It was a disaster and I am glad to be out of there.

The downside...we are currently living with my sister and her husband (the downside being that they have to put up with us!). We are so thankful to them for letting us crash there. Since the boys are both in SG it's just me, Rio & Tessa. My sis has a very nice large room in her basement that we share. It's big enough for a bed, dressers, TV, computer desk, etc. and has a nice large closet. It's working out fine and I hope we aren't too much of a burden on them. They are so kind to take us in until we can find a place of our own again.

Tessa started 1st grade in September. Week nights are hectic! Monday = soccer games. Tuesday = dance class. Wednesday = gymnastics. Friday = soccer practice. Weekends usually entail at least one sleep over! Just one kid at home right now and I can barely keep up! All the weeknight stuff takes place after working all day so it can make for long days! She is still our sweet girl and she keeps us smiling!

Colton is doing well in SG. He likes the high school and has made friends. He still misses us and his friends up here of course but he is learning alot down there. He is working hard to complete his community service (125 hours by Dec 1st - sentance was given on 8/26/09). My mom keeps him on his toes...he is getting better at chores; helping around the house; completing his homework; cleaning up after himself; being responsible, etc. He is still our big hearted, loving, stubborn Colton! He visited for a weekend recently and I didn't see him much but that's ok. He had a nice time with his friends. Rio has been down to SG quite a bit for work so he sees him alot. I hope to be able to visit down there soon.

Tyler...where to start...moved to Hawaii at the end of July; found out it was too late to register for school; decided to come back so he could attend Dixie State. After a NIGHTMARE experience trying to get him a flight home he started school a few days late so they had dropped his classes. He got that straightened out and has been living with my mom also (poor Brenda has her hands full)! He visited a few weekeends in a row up here in SLC and I could tell he wasn't doing well. He NEVER talks to us about anything so it's hard to know what's up with him most of the time. He commented that he didn't like Dixie and as I dug harder I discovered that he felt he didn't fit in anywhere. Because of some past history with him, genetics and some other factors I finally convinced him to see a Dr. in SG because I suspected his depression was worse than we knew. The doctor diagnosed him as Bi-Polar, Type 2 (emotional depression) and started him on medication. It's only been a few weeks & he doesn't spend much time at my mom's so it's hard to know if anything is improving. In the meantime we hadn't been able to pay his tuition or work on getting any type of financial aid or loans so his classes got dropped. He is due in court this week to receive his sentance for the "stolen ring" incident earlier this year. We are extremely worried about him. Rio actually went to spend some time in SG this week to see if we can help get him headed in the right direction. He is actually back at Dixie State now taking 2 classes so that he will still qualify for his (small) scholarship for next semester. I imagine he will be sentanced to ALOT of community service hours and on top of that we have been encouraging him to get a job. This is a tough time in a person's life and we are trying to support him while encouraging him to be more responsible and learn to take care of himself and not rely on us so much. His diagnosis makes it difficult because we don't know as much about it as we need to; I have been doing some research though. But Tyler won't go to counseling either which I think would help alot. It's frustrating and sad and breaks my heart to see my children suffering!

I want to "fix" everything for everyone and I can't and it KILLS me!

So much going on this past year or so; so many emotions; so many ups & downs (more downs than ups!). It's a roller coaster ride and I am hanging on for dear life!

I try to stay positive but it's not easy. Some days I wonder what I did to deserve all the CRAP - if I knew what I had done or who I had offended I would apologize and make it right. Other days I am somewhat at peace knowing that everything happens for a reason and I am where I am supposed to be. Easier said than done most days!

BUT...I love my family, I have the BEST husband in the world and he loves me and that's all that matters. We WILL get through this and move forward...there is no other option!

Pictures...

Tyler, Colton, Tessa (holding Dot), Rio, Me

Bostwick family reunion

Jordanelle, July 2009

This is the last family photo we had taken before Tyler moved to Hawaii & Colton moved to St. George for school!

Tessa, August 2009

She has her own unique sense of style.

She found this "skull cap" in the men's section at Walmart and HAD to have it!

Take special notice of the new high top Sketchers that are VERY bright & the socks pulled up to the knees...very reminiscent of the 80's...LOL! Gotta love this kid!!

Tessa's 6th Birthday - August 12, 2009. Love the "press on" nails? She wore these for a day or two but hated the sticky feeling on her nails when we pulled them off!

Tessa's 6th Birthday with her cousins & friends. We had so many people over it was standing room only! She is a very lucky girl to have so many people that love her!

Our family is really very lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family. They showed up in droves for Tessa's party and she got so many fabulous, thougthful gifts. She has a very small bedroom made even worse by how much "stuff" she has in it (can you say spoiled?). Since the boys are now gone I have been trying to move a few things down to the family room in the basement so her room isn't stuffed to the gills!

Tessa starts 1st grade next week...holy hannah!!!! My baby is growing up so fast!

BTW...Tyler is headed home from Hawaii. It was too late to register for school over there. I tried to tell him to just get a job, work & save money and then go to school next semester but he wanted to come home & go to Dixie (which starts in a week). So he will be home some time tomrorow. I'm anxious to see if there is more to the story...I don't think he was real comfortable with his dad & his dad's wife but I could be wrong. Tyler is "HM" (high maintenance) and likes things "just so"...so when things don't work out exactly like he thinks they should he gets anxious...which in turns causes me major anxiety! We don't know exactly where he will live in SG or how he will get around...so much to figure out in the next few days!

Colton enjoyed his first week at Tuacahn High School and has already made some friends. Old habits die HARD though and as much as we hoped he was done with certain things...apparently he isn't! He wants so badly to be in charge of his own life and make his own decisions...I keep telling him that until he is 18 WE make the decisions for him and apparently he can't make good decisions anyway! *SIGH*...the drama continues!

Catching up...again...

-117 lbs; that's 7 lbs UNDER goal weight...woot woot! WLS + economy + stress = additional weight loss...

I am way behind on blogging/journaling...*sigh*!

Tessa turned 6 years old earlier this week! She is growing up so fast. We had lots of family and friends over for cake & ice cream! I will try to post pics soon. She has developed her own unique sense of style lateley...not sure what's up with her & her OCD about her clothes/socks/shoes, etc...she cracks me up!

Colton started school on Monday (Aug. 10th) in St. George. He is attending Tuacahn High School for the Arts this year & living with my mom. His "academy" at school is Graphic Art Design. We HAD to get him out of SLC and this was a great opportunity. Very emotional for all of us and hard to have him gone. He was there for a few weeks before school and he was bored and angry; then we had him home for about 10 days; then back to SG where we spent 4 days with him last weekend before school started. So far he says he likes the school, his teachers and his classes so it's been a pretty good week for him. We sincerely hope this will be a positive experience for all of us but especially for him!

Tyler left for Hawaii with his dad & his dad's wife on July 29th. They had a few problems with housing once they got there but they now have a place to live. Tyler is applying to the University of Hawaii for admission; he can transfer his scholarship from Dixie if he is accepted. We should know in the next few days. I think he is having a good time but he is also very far away and that is hard on all of us! He is getting to know his dad better which is good...not sure that he is all that comfortable with his dad's wife though...

Both boys were due in court last week over the "stolen ring" thing from back at the end of May. Tyler had already left for Hawaii so he wasn't there. The judge set up new court dates for both of them. Colton's is later this month; right smack in the middle of the week so he will have to miss school and Rio will have to make a marathon trip to SG to bring him up and get him back there so he only misses one day of school

Tyler's court date is in October...so we have to come up with money for a plane ticket to get him home for court...what a pain in the keyster! Not sure how that will effect school...if he doesn't get into school over there I think his plan is just to come home for court and then just stay here...not sure how I feel about that plan. Although I miss him; I really wanted him to experience Hawaii , go to college, get a job, learn responsibility, etc...but it's his decision to make.

We had some family reunions in July that were alot of fun...will have to post pics soon.

Work is crazy busy for both Rio & I. Life in general has been pretty damn NUTS for the past year or so and I desperately need to sit down and relax but it never seems to work out that way. Most days I feel as though I am treading water and barely keeping my nostrils above the surface...such is life I guess. Even with just one kid at home right now it still hasn't slowed down! My boys are in other states/cities and I still can't keep up with everything!

TTFN!

Will try to post pictures soon!

I talk too much...

I have realized that my posts are WAY too long; I talk too much; so I will try to keep this one short & sweet...

Micheal Jackson passed away on June 25, 2009 at the age of 50. I won't wax nostalgic here...just want to say that his music was FABULOUS and I can still sing the words to so many of his songs. RIP Michael...

Tyler is visiting from SG for a week or so. He is busy lifting weights & hanging with LT...good to have him home; he is doing so much better.

Colton went river rafting with a friends family...he had a GREAT time!

Tessa has OCD about her hair & clothes all the sudden...so weird and not like her at all!

There are some changes taking place where I work that have me concerned about whether I will have a job for much longer...I guess all I can do is wait & see & hope for the best.

How's that for short & sweet???

Weight Loss...

I started this blog as a way to track my weight loss journey & it has turned into more of a "journal" for me...which is a good thing. I really do treat it like a journal & I write whatever I am feeling at the moment or about things going on in my life & with my family.

I figured I would go back to some basics about my weight loss surgery & how far I have come because some days; even though I know I have achieved something great; I have a hard time concentrating on what I have achieved. I tend to focus on the things that I still want to change about my body...I believe I am what is referred to as a "pessimist"! haha

I had Weight Loss Surgery (Gastric Bypass) on Jan. 7, 2008. This surgery reduces your stomach to about the size of a fist & re-routes your intestines. I am 5'8" tall & I weighed 260 lbs on the day of my surgery. My BMI (Body Mass Index) was 39.5. I wore a size 22/24 pants & most of the time a size 26/28 shirt although I tended to wear REALLY baggy things to cover up the fat...like that really helped! I was the fattest I had ever been on the day I had WLS.

I was not overweight as a child or adolescent; infact I was very active. I ran track, danced, did drill team, etc. up thru my first year of college. I put on weight; like a lot of us do; starting in my 20's after having my first child, getting divorced & then re-married, getting comfortable, eating what I wanted, not exercising and having 2 more children and eating, eating, eating.

Due to my weight gain I had back problems, high blood pressure, sleep apnea & acid reflux...I had taken prescriptions for all of these things for years & had a CPAP machine for breathing while I slept. All of those have gone away since my surgery...except the lower back pain (I had 2 bulging discs & had surgery in 2003) & that may never go away...bad genes I guess!

I am a worrier; I stress alot & I became a stress eater...although I have gotten better the past few years at managing my stress. I also have a sweet tooth that was out of control! I drank Diet Dr. Pepper & ate candy all day long!

My goal was to lose 110 lbs in a year; my goal weight was 150 lbs; a good weight for my height; a weight I had not seen for about 15 years or so. I reached my goal in 11 months & contrary to what some may think...it was not "easy". The surgery, the smaller stomach, the food restrictions, the head hunger...it was tough...it's still tough most days but it's worth it! I am now in the "maintenance" phase. I tend to stay right at about -113 lbs lost...which is a few under my goal weight...I can live with that.

One thing I have a hard time with is "the SAG". I've watched ALOT of shows over the years about WLS & people who have lost large amounts of weight rapidly...your skin obviously does not shrink so there is some SAG. My stomach is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, although it's definately not pretty...LOL! I do have the "bat wings" or what some call "relief society arms" that probably don't look as bad as I think they do. My legs have some sag, it's worse on my upper legs than on my calves. I have no butt anymore...the little bit I do have...you guessed it...it SAGS!

I never had much in the "rack" department...infact as I gained weight I didn't want to look like a "pear" so I started wearing "enhancements" (or what we like to call chicken breasts) in my bra to even out my figure. As I have lost weight I have continued to wear my "enhancements" so that some people have asked if I have had a boob job (I wish). My face shows more wrinkles because there is no fat to fill it out...so while I am skinnier now I feel like I look older in my face.

I look pretty "OK" with clothes on...it's my naked self that I have issues with...LOL. There are things that clothes can hide & there are support garments that can be a girls best friend! Are we EVER happy with our body? I was actually more comfortable wearing a swimming suit when I had fat to fill it out...now I hesitate to even put one one (I don't currently even own one) because the loose skin jiggles when I move...not a pretty sight! Most of the time I will wear my bra; with my enhancements in it; under my swimming suit so that no one can tell how flat chested I really am! I have worn swimming suits that have the "skirt" on the bottom for YEARS and when/if I purchase one this year I will still buy one with a skirt...to help cover a little bit of the sag...when I walk I can look down and see the skin on my legs just flapping about...not pretty!

Some day I want to have plastic surgery if/when I can afford it. The Dr's recommend you hit your goal first and then maintain the weight loss for a while...18-24 months after WLS; they don't recommend plastic surgery before that time. I used to think all I wanted was a tummy tuck...I can always pad my bra to appear sufficient in that area...but I have now decided that I could benefit from a lower body lift & a boob job! LOL!!

BUT...WLS is the best thing I ever did for myself. I feel better than I have in many, many years! I have more energy, I don't get tired walking up & down the stairs to the laundry room. I can bend over to tie my shoes instead of putting one foot up on the other leg to tie them sideways because my huge belly isn't in the way anymore.

I am not 100 degrees warmer than other people all the time...I never wore sweaters in the winter because I was always hot; summer was hard for me. I had a fan in my bathroom for YEARS; sitting on the counter or the back of the toilet seat; because when I would get ready for work my face would sweat making it hard to put my makeup on or do my hair.

I am now a size 6/8 and wear medium sized shirts. I can shop at stores that I haven't been able to shop at in years...my feet even shrunk 1/2 size! This is an ongoing journey but I have much to be proud of & I need to remember that!

The Dr.'s want WLS patients to start walking & eventually exercising on a regular basis after surgery. It helps with the bloating from surgery, the weight loss & eventually helps tone you up. I did ok in the beginning but I couldn't figure out why they couldn't implant a love of exercise at the time of surgery! For as active as I was in my younger days I have discovered that; just like when I was fat; I still don't enjoy exercise. I envy people that do it for fun or just because they love it. Finding the time for it has always been an issue...I've been told to "make time" and that is easier said than done. I started back to the gym a few months ago only to sprain my ankle really bad as I was leaving the gym on the 2nd day! My ankle still gives me a hard time...I probably should go to the Dr to have it looked at. WLS patients have mal-absorption issues & we take certain vitamins for the rest of our lives. Who knows...maybe we don't heal as well from things like sprained ankles or maybe I did more than sprain it!

At this point I have figured out that I can't complain about not exercising and/or toning up if I don't take the time do it...it's obviously not important enough to me right now or I would do it...although I have been thinking about it more and more lately...time will tell if I get it done I guess.

One thing that I don't like is that I seem to have issues with my memory; I have heard that alot from other WLS patients on the support sites. My brain seems to feel "fuzzy" alot. I used to have a photographic memory & I was very organized all the time...that seems to have changed somewhat & it's frustrating. But...I never had any other health issues due to the surgery; like some people do; and for that I am extremely grateful!

All in all I am happy with where I am. I do sometimes eat things I shouldn't but I try not to kick myself over it. I still don't eat many carbs...no bread, rice, pasta, etc. I stick to the proteins & vegetables as much as I can. I don't like to cook...never have...so I make do with small protein filled things or I make a batch of chili or chicken enchilada soup & I eat them for weeks at a time (food is fuel, not entertainment). I still don't love to drink water; even when it's flavored with Propel & I drink too many blended coffees (my daily treats & a "no no"...we aren't supposed to drink our calories & caffeine stimulates hunger). I will eat a few Peanut Butter M&M's here & there...not too many or it makes me nauseous. I sometimes have popcorn or a bite of chocolate but for the most part my eating is not out of control like it was before WLS. I NEVER want to be that fat again!

I am no where near perfect in this journey but I can live with what I have acheived so far. I just need to remember each day that I have succeeded & hope that it stays that way & that I don't go back to old habits & gain the weight back.

So...there is it...in a very long nutshell! Thank you & goodnight! :-)

Leaving my baby behind...

Tessa, Rio, Colton, Tyler, Me

At the funeral home for the viewing.

What an emotional weekend we just had. We went to SG on Saturday for 2 reasons...to attend my grandma's viewing & funeral and to move Tyler to SG to live with his dad & get ready to attend Dixie State College in the fall.

We had originally wanted Tyler to move right after graduation; we felt that he needed to get away from the influences up here so that he could get his life in order & prepare for school. A few months back he had pushed back & said he wanted to stay here for the summer & spend it with his friends. A few weeks ago; out of the blue; he changed his tune & said he wanted to move as soon as he graduated. I could see the subtal changes in him; things were shifting; he did not want to continue on the path he was on...I was so thankful that he seemed to be "getting a clue"!

Tyler woke me up at 2:30 am one morning last week...he was very emotional (which is not like him at all). He told me that he wanted to be "done" with all the things he had been doing that he knows he shouldn't be and that he was sorry for all the lies, etc. over the past year. We had a really good talk & I tried to help calm his fears about the upcoming changes. He expressed his desire to move right away so that he could get his head on straight and figure out what he wants. There is nothing harder than seeing your children struggle & try to find their place in this world.

He was both excited & nervous about the upcoming changes. He doesn't really know his dad all that well; they haven't really ever spent much time together. He had stayed with his dad & his dad's new wife back in March when he went to SG to tour Dixie State. They live in a condo & there isn't much room but they said he could come live with them and drive one of their vehicles which was good since we sold his car back in March. They also have 3 dogs...and Tyler is not an animal lover (he has never paid any attention to the one small dog we have).

We left on Saturday morning for SG...me, Rio, Tyler, Colton & Tessa. I can't tell you the last time all 5 of us actually traveled somewhere together (the boys never want to go anywhere with us). Tyler hadn't had much sleep over the past few days...trying to spend time with friends, get packed, etc. plus I think he was worrying alot.

Due to the funeral & all the family gathering we had during the 4 days were there; we actually spent some real quality time as a family. I could tell from conversations with Tyler that he is already realizing how good he has had it all these years. That's not to say it's bad at his dad's house; just different; which is something he will have to get used to.

Tyler spent Monday with us at the funeral; then we went swimming; then out to eat with family. Tyler, Colton & my neice Bayli went to the movie that night & Tyler spent the night with us at Rio's parents. As we prepared to leave SG to head home on Tuesday (yesterday) we dropped him back off at his dad's house...it broke my heart. He gave all of us a big hug (it's been a LONG time since he has hugged any of us) and alot of "I love you's" were said. Rio & I both got choked up; it was so hard to leave him there...even if he has driven us nuts for the past year...LOL! He is my first born baby boy and I will miss him like crazy but I know this is where he needs to be right now.

Colton, Tessa, Tyler

I am crossing my fingers that everything will work out...that he will find a job, save some money, go to college & figure out who he wants to be. I love Tyler with all my heart and he will always be my baby!

Farewell Grandma Rose...

Rose Riding Bostwick; my dad's mother; passed away on June 9, 2009; she was 87 years old. She was the strongest woman I have ever known; raising 6 children on her own & caring for one of her sons; almost single handedly; for years after he was in a paralyzing car accident. She was determined, faithful & loved her family dearly. We were in SG the past couple of days to attend her viewing & funeral & spend time with family. It was very, very nice & Grandma can be proud of those she left behind.

Grandma was the secretary at Dixie High School in St. George for 20 years!

Colton, Me, Rio, Tessa & Tyler at the cemetary.

ST. GEORGE - Rose Riding Bostwick passed into eternity on June 9, 2009, in St. George, Utah, at age 87 years, of causes incident to age. She was born in St. George, Utah on March 20, 1922, to Josephus Riding and Alice Bleak Riding. Rose is the youngest of eleven children. She grew up in a loving home surrounded by family and friends.

Rose met Myrle Wayne Bostwick, who was working in the Civilian Conservation Corps on the Arizona Strip, and they married on March 28, 1942, just prior to Wayne entering military service during World War II. They had six children before divorcing in 1963.

Rose was a life-long member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and came from a number of pioneer families that settled the St. George area. She served in a number of teaching positions and as a member of the Ward Primary presidency, as well as Ward Librarian. She was a member of the Daughters of Utah Pioneers (DUP) and was proud to have several items made by her father and grandfather, Christopher Lister Riding, displayed in the DUP museum in St. George.

Rose was a devoted mother and grandmother. She was always involved in her children's and grandchildren's activities. When her third child, Stanley, was severely injured in an automobile accident in 1968, she dedicated much of her life to his care and well-being until his death in 1993. In the years following her divorce, Rose worked hard to provide for her family and attended school at the College of Southern Utah in Cedar City, Utah, where she graduated from a vocational program in secretarial science in 1965. She is probably best known as the secretary of Dixie High School where she worked from 1965 to 1985. She was a significant positive influence in the lives of countless high-school aged young men and women, including her own children. She participated in many extracurricular activities sponsored by Dixie High School such as chaperoning the Spanish Club on trips to Mexico and taking tickets at numerous school events. She retired from public education in 1987 after working for two years in the offices of the Washington County School District.

Although her time was limited by her responsibilities caring for her family, and particularly Stanley, Rose was active in her Church and the VFW Auxiliary, serving as its President in 1962-1963. She enjoyed traveling, camping, hiking, reading and gardening, as well as family parties, outings and reunions. She was a wonderful cook and enjoyed countless hours making candy and other treats for, and with, family and friends. In the nine years following her retirement from public education, she accomplished her goal of walking five thousand miles as part of her efforts to stay fit and active.

Rose will be greatly missed and we treasure our wonderful memories. She is survived by: four children, Richard Lester Bostwick, Janice (Kenny) Thompson, Michael Edwin (Cathy) Bostwick, Darrel Joseph (Lisa) Bostwick; daughter-in-law Mary Graf Bostwick (Steve) Sevy; 24 grandchildren; and 31 great grandchildren. She was preceded in death by: two sons, Myrle Wayne Bostwick, Jr. and Stanley Bruce Bostwick; her parents; six sisters; and four brothers.

Funeral services will be held Monday, June 15, 2009, at 11:00 a.m., at the St. George LDS Chapel located at 550 E. 700 So., St. George, Utah. Visitation will be held Sunday, June 14, 2009, from 6 - 8 p.m., at Metcalf Mortuary, 288 W. St. George Blvd., and Monday from 9:30 - 10:30 a.m., at the LDS Chapel prior to services. Interment will be in the St. George City Cemetery under the direction of Metcalf Mortuary (435-673-4221).

Rose's family would like to express their gratitude for the kindness and caring shown to her by the staff, administration and residents of The Meadows Retirement Community, as well as the members and leadership of the 29th Branch of the St. George Utah East Stake. Their love and friendship for, and service to Rose in her final years have blessed her life beyond measure.

20 years & counting...

I attended the PVHS Class of '89 reunion this past weekend...20 years since we graduated!! If I had not had my weight loss surgery I would not have attended...I would have been too embarrassed to have my classmates see me like that!

Friday June 5 - we had a Pine View vs. Dixie alumni basketball game that was held at DHS. What a fun time! Meeting up with old friends, watching some b-ball, cheering for our team, smack talkin'...LOL...brings back memories!

L. to R; Front row; Kristin "Kur" Mortensen, LeAnn Lobb, Monica Anderson, Sharla Richards, Lori Crockett. L. to R.; 2nd row; Marth Merrill, Shannon Sampson, Sharley Larsen, Kami Christensen, Margo Bostwick (me). L. to R.; back row; Sheri Cowley, Christy Tobler

L to R; front row; Nate Staheli (10), Colby "Baggs" Nielsen (52), Troy Hunt (21), George Clasmen (55), Chad "Wick" McAllister (can't see his number but it ends in 5). L. to R.; back row; (sorry can't see the back row very well); Beau Gledhill, James "Orv" Anderson, Brad Jolley, Josh Little

Our valiant Pine View High School PANTHERS played an awesome game. In the end...we lost...(92 - 63) BUT...Dixie was running the score board so there may have been some extra points added on for their team...I'm just sayin'! LOL

Saturday June 6 - we had a picnic at Hidden Valley Park...so much fun to see everyone's families & all the kids running around having a great time! Unfortunately the only pictures I took were of my neices and nephews (who happened to be there at the same time)! LOL! But a good time was had by all!!!

That evening we had a dinner at the Hilton Garden Inn. It was a really nice set up & good food, good friends, good fun! Kristen "Kur" Mortensen Snow & her committee did a FABULOUS job! We had a GREAT slide show (thanks Kami Christensen Ekins), played Jeopardy, had prizes...all sorts of fun stuff. And of course we got to mingle some more & get caught up with old friends!Here we are in all our glory...the PVHS Class of '89...well ok just the ones who actually showed up!

There were people that I was looking forward to seeing that; for whatever reason; didn't show up to any of the events so I was kind of bummed. But all in all I had a really good time catching up with everyone. I haven't really kept in touch with anyone since high school until these past 6 months or so when a bunch of us reconnected on Facebook which is how this reunion thing got started.

I'm so glad I went and am so happy to see how well everyone is doing!

Tyler / Swine Flu / Graduation...

-113 lbs lost; -3 lbs under goal weight...still holding...yipeee!

So much to catch up on...I will try to make it short (don't hold your breath)!

Monday June 1st - last week of school...I take a deep breath after everything that has been going on this past year & think "Only a few more days...everything will be fine"...yeah right...not in my world!

Tyler had been sick for a few days, spent most of the weekend in his room resting (although he was up & about a little & did go to a senior dinner dance on Saturday night), we thought he had a cold. Monday morning he was "anxious" about school because he "had" to be there to do last minute stuff & get things signed & make sure he is going to graduate & he still has 3 hours of attendance school to make up but he is feeling like CRAP! His ride doesn't show up to take him to school so now he's late (more attendance issues). I have him drive me to work & I make him go to school & by this time I am almost in full blown panic attack mode because I just dont' think I can take much more! We text back & forth, he is "so sick"...he starts telling me more about his symptoms & I realize that he is sicker than I thought (fever, chills, coughing, etc.). He leaves school early & we go to the After Hours Clinic where they test him for strep (negative), mono (negative) and Influenza A (otherwise known as H1N1 virus or Swine Flu)...POSITIVE!

Yikes...now what? He is already 4 days or so into the flu (with everything that has been going on & all he has been trying to get done so he could graduate he is not positive when his symptoms started) but the Dr. says he is quarantined to our house until Friday...but WAIT...graduation is Thursday night...OMG...what are we going to do?

Tuesday June 2 - I spend over an hour at his school trying to work out whether he actually qualifies to graduate & letting them know he is sick. Because of the Dr. note the school excused his absences from the previous day but he still has 3 hours of attendance to make up which he can't do because he can't come to the school. Tyler's counselor was not in the office that day so I met with one of the Vice Principals who didn't have all the information the counselor has so at one point he tells me Tyler doesn't have enough credits to graduate...which I politely, but firmly tell him is not true. He finally gets that worked out but says that the decision on whether Tyler can attend graduation is not his to make & he will get back to me & that Tyler will have to come in next week & make up the attendance. Colton & Tessa both come home from school sick this day so now we are worried that we are all going to have Swine Flu (they were fine...none of us got it)!

Wednesday June 3 - Graduation practice is that morning & of course Tyler can't attend & I can't reach the VP because he is at the practice. I call Tyler's school counselor & leave a message & hope he will get back to me so I can finalize all this stuff & know for sure whether Tyler will get his diploma or not. He finally calls me back at the end of the day, he confirms that Tyler has enough credits to graduate but that he needs to talk to the VP to find out about making up the 3 hours of attendance. The VP has apparently left for the day so we continue to wait...

Thursday June 4 - GRADUATION DAY! I decide to take Tyler back to the clinic to have him re-tested because although he is tired he has been feeling better & hasn't had chills since he was diagnosed 3 days earlier (his fever was normal that day). We talk to the Dr., he asks a bunch more questions & checks Tyler's vitals & says that Tyler is doing better & he gives him a medical release to attend graduation!! We rush down to the school, meet with his counselor & another VP. They say Tyler can serve his last 3 hours of attendance right then & when he is done he can get his cap & gown & he can attend graduation! Since he missed the graduation practice he will be one of the very last names called (they don't do it in alphabetical order) but we don't care...as long as they call his name!!!!! He will also be able to sing with the A Cappella choir at graduation!

I have the world's WORST camera & it takes too long to focus & snap! They go so fast when calling names that I didn't get a good picutre of him receiving his diploma!

Tyler HATES when I take his picture...I bribed him & brought him a cookie & some gum cause he was starving...LOL! This was before Graduation started.

Hanging with some dudes before Graduation started.

It was a CRAZY week, made even more crazy as I was still trying to get the other 2 kids through their last week of school, work for a few days (the rest I had off already), do laundry & pack for our trip to SG for my 20 year reunion. It seems just when I think things will slow down...they never do!

Tyler is now preparing to move to SG to find a job & get ready to attend Dixie State College. I get the feeling from him that he desperately wants to change some things in his life & I sincerely hope he does. We want only for him to be happy in whatever he chooses to do. We love him so much & will miss him like crazy but we are excited for this next step for him!! Time to move on & into the BIG TIME baby!!!

WE LOVE YOU TYLER ORION BROWN!!!!

Trouble with the law...

Haven't weighed myself this week...keep forgetting...but am pretty sure I have gained a few LBS...stress will do that to a person & I am NOT dealing well with my stress lately...*SIGH*

The boys had some trouble with the law this week. I'm sure someday they will be HORRIFIED that I spilled their dirty laundry to the world (not like anyone reads my blog but ya never know...this blog is more for my own sake...like a journal).

Anywhoo...It seems that one of the boys "took" something over 6 months ago that did not belong to him. The story is that he was at a party, helping a friend clean up, found these 2 "items" on the floor & stuck them in his pocket, came home, emptied his pockets & pretty much forgot about these items. They have been in his room for over 6 months. My other son saw one of these items the other day & decided to wear it to school. Just so happens the officer at his school was investigating a theft of some similar items & one of my sons teachers alerted the officer to the item that my son was wearing (because said son apparently thought it was cool & showed it to the teacher & "supposedly" bragged about it's value).

When my son was pulled in by the officer to be questioned it came out that he had taken the item from my other sons room that morning. The officer told me that my son told him that he "knew" that my other son had stolen the item. My son says that is not true...he says he didn't say that to the officer.

So, this school officer contacts the school officer at my other sons school & they pull the other son in to question him. He didn't have a clue at that time, how they found out about the item but he admits that he picked it up after a party. They badger him with questions about the "other" theft incident that they are investigating at the other sons school & try to get this son to admit that he was involved in that theft. He wasn't so he repeatedly says he knows nothing about this other incident. The officers tell him that they "searched" his bedroom (not true) & that is how they found this item. So when they ask him if he has any other items he (truthfully) tells them about the 2nd item he picked up at the same time he picked up the first item at the party over 6 months ago. So they take him to our house to get this 2nd item.

In the meantime, the son who wore the item to school has also been called in to talk to the asst. principal about his tardies at school. This son gets upset, says a few profanity words & gets sent to ISS (In School Suspension) for the day. At ISS he refuses to do his work & uses profanity again so they suspend him for the day. Hubby was already on his way to other sons school to find out what was going on there since we could not reach that son & we knew he was being questioned. I call hubby to go get son that has been suspended (should have let them send him to JDC for the day). Hubby picks up suspended son & is headed to the other school to see what is going on with other son. As hubby is driving past our house he sees police car coming up the street with other son in the back seat, heading to our house to get that 2nd "stolen" item. He pulls into home, talks to police. They are not arresting son. Son hands over 2nd item and police take him back to school but charges could be filed against him for stealing these 2 items from this persons home...so fabulous.

Got a call later in the day from a Sandy City police officer telling me that the son who wore the item to school could also be charged with "possession of stolen property"...more fabulous-ness!

Son who originally took said "stolen" items is frantic...police have told him a warrant will go out for his arrenst & he could go to jail for 15 years (not likely...items weren't worth that much). He can't believe that one week before school is out & while he is trying to get his life cleaned up lately, that this thing from 6 months ago has come back to bite him in the ASS like this...I tell him such is life...LIVE & LEARN.

I of course spent the better part of the day FREAKING out until I realized (and told both sons) that there is nothing we can do about it until we find out if charges will be filed. Yes they both did stupid things, yes they should pay the consequences but worrying about it now doesn't help anything (easier said than done...I know).

Can life get any better? We are struggling worse than we have ever struggled! We are in serious financial trouble, can't pay bills, may lose our house, kids being naughty, fighting with IRS about taxes, etc...stress, stress, stress coming at us from every single angle. There MUST be a reason for it; I just haven't figured out what it is yet! The past year has been the most trying year of our 16 years together...and we have had some seriously TRYING times!

I often wonder & question "WHY"???? I'm sure that is not the right attitude to have but I just don't understand! We are good people...why does this keep happening to us? Did we piss someone off in a past life? Did we do something so awful that we deserve to struggle every single minute of every single day?

I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I am truly grateful for what we DO have & I do my best to be positive every single day & live life to the fullest. I do struggle sometimes with coveting "material" things that others have...maybe that is the problem! I don't understand why other people have nice homes, vehicles, money to spare while we live in an old, crappy, half done home that we never have the money to finish remodeling! Why does it come so easy to others? Why can't we catch a break?

Ok...my pity party is over...I vented & now I am done. I seriously do not go around feeling like this every day but every once in a while it catches up with me! Thank goodness it's the weekend!

The Prom...

113 lbs lost; 3 lbs below goal weight.

We were invited to attend a SLC Chamber function last night. They were honoring Ellis Ivory & Roger Boyer as "Giants in our City". Ivory Homes has been a customer of Rio's employer for many, many years. Rio has been the cabinet salesman to Ivory Homes for a few years now and they love him (who doesn't?).

This was a first for us and we weren't quite sure what to expect...or what was expected of us. We were told it was a "black tie" event so Rio rented a tux (first time in a tux since our wedding 16 years ago!); although most men were just in suits so he felt very overdressed but he looked so handsome!

Since I have "shrunk" out of all my clothes and have not yet stocked up on a new spring/summer wardrobe this year; and since I am allowed to wear jeans to work now, I do not currently have any suitable dresses for this type of occasion (I'm not much of a dress wearer anyway). Thank goodness my little sister had something nice that I could borrow (Thanks Anna); it's nice that we are the same size now!

I kept telling Rio we are too "white trash" for this sort of event...LOL! We prefer to hang out at home and if/when we ever go out it's to dinner and a movie...we just aren't the type to go to these types of things.

It was held at the Grand America Hotel and was actually a very nice event...although somewhat boring. They served a nice dinner and there were some nice speeches about the honorees. It was a little long for my taste and we even left a little bit early. It was a nice evening but not the type of thing I want to attend on a regular basis.

It was definately a chance for me to "show off" my skinnier self...haha. And NO...I have not had a boob job (had someone ask me that recently)...LOL! It's all "smoke & mirrors". I have worn "enhancements" in my bra for like 15 years now because I was not blessed with much in the "chest" area and now that I have lost so much weight the girls are pretty non-existent! HAHA

Here we are...all dressed up...I think we clean up nicely...but we do look like we are headed to the Prom...all we need is a corsage!

The pictures actually do not do the "cleavage" justice. I was actually worried about showing too much and kept asking Rio if the "girls" looked like they were falling out. It's great what a good push up bra, inserts and SPANX can do for a girls figure! :-)

I have no idea why Rio isn't smiling...maybe he is trying to look tough or maybe he just hates weraing a tux...LOL!

I took yesterday off work because Colton volunteered me to chaperone a field trip for his Reading class. We spent the day on TRAX doing a scavenger hunt (great idea actually). As you can probably tell from the pictures I got to hang with a spectacular group of kids...my son included (yes that was sarcasm)! I took Tessa along and she had fun hanging with the older kids and riding on TRAX!

Yes that's Colton in the white headband...he thinks he is a hippie. I think that he thinks that if he says he is a hippie then it's makes it ok that he does some of the things he does...*sigh*...KIDS!

Anywhoo...it was a LONG, busy day and I'm tired! I'm so glad today is the start of the long Memorial weekend as soon as I get off work today!

Love to you all!

Court...

One of my teenagers had court yesterday. He got caught shoplifting twice in a 2 week period. The first time he took a bag of beef jerky and a bottle of Robitussen (seriously...cough medicine...do kids really drink this stuff?); the second time it was glow sticks and baby binky's (possibly for a rave???). About $7 worth of merchandise both times...*SIGH*

He had 2 court dates set up; one yesterday and then another one 4 days later. We were planning on going with him but he did not want us to so he went alone. I assumed he would have to go in front of a judge; but he didn't. He met with an arbitrator yesterday and got both charges taken care of in one sitting. He received a $125 fine for each one, then the arbitrator dropped $50 off the total. He has one month to pay a $200 fine.

Seems that they took it easy on him, probably because they were his first offenses (and I pray they are his last!). Sure hope he can come up with that $200 since he doesn't have a job...

Happy 18th Birthday TYLER...

113 lbs lost; 3 lbs below goal weight. I continue to fluctuate up & down by 2 or 3 lbs every other week or so. As long as I stay at goal or under I am happy. Plastic Surgery is something I REALLY want to have but it will have to wait until I can afford it (which may be NEVER). I will look worse in a swimming suit this year than I did when I was fat because now everything just sags...oh well at least I am healthy! Woot Woot!

My baby boy; my first born; Tyler is EIGHTEEN years old today! Oh the memories of having my very first child at the ripe old age of barely 20 years old! I was still a child myself & sometimes I can't believe how excited I was to be having a baby at such a young age!

Tyler has always been a smart, funny, talented and "knock em dead" gorgeous! I remember how extremely funny he was as a small child and also how very moody he was.

A favorite memory is when he was about 7 or 8 years old and he would "assume the position" of an opera singer (hands clasped together) and sing "Figaro, Figaro, Fi-gaaaaa-ro" for anyone who would listen. This same boy still loves music but turns beet red when he performs, even when he is on stage with a group (Madrigals or A Capella)...it's kind of funny!

From the time Tyler was about 6 or 7 until he reached about 12 years old he was so moody & emotional that we used to say he should have been a girl! He had serious anger management issues that carried over into sports to the point where we had to pull him out of basketball / football games because he was throwing fits about calls the refs would make or when he would shoot the ball and miss or when the quarterback wasn't fast enough to get the ball to him...every little thing set him off! He still has anger issue when it comes to sports...holy moly!

He went through a phase (around age 6 or 7) where he wore the belt on his pants so tight that I though he would injure his interal organs! His pants also had to fall to a certain place in order to cover his shoes a certain way or he was MAD! His shoes had to be tied as TIGHT as they could possibly be. He had shirts that he loved and would wear over and over and over...I guess I should have known he would end up having fabulous fashion sense and be voted "Best Dressed" Senior this year...LOL!! It's all about style for Tyler!

Tyler has always had pretty decent grades although he could have done better if he wanted to but social life is a big thing for him and to some degree I think school always bored him a little bit.

Although we have had many challenges with him over the years; this past year has been the biggest by far as he has struggled to come into his own and has done things he shouldn't be doing. I guess it's all part of growing up and we are here to support him and we cross our fingers (and pray) that he comes out on top of it all.

So...today is for wishing my first baby boy a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! May the future bring you much happiness and success!

Happy BIRTHDAYS...

-115 lbs lost; 5 lbs below goal weight! Again...not sure how...just happy that it is so. Still haven't made it to the gym to tone up...someday...*sigh*

Rio turned 40 yesterday! We had a fabulous dinner at Bonsai last night with 17 close friends & family...adults only...it was alot of fun and Rio could "feel the love"! Here is a picture of the gang...not a very good picture but a picture all the same...

Colton turns 14 today! He is still the same huge hearted, loving, sarcastic, funny kid he has always been except this past year he has developed quite a "sense of self" that he will defend to the death! It's been a tough year but I wouldn't trade him for anything...he is a keeper!

Tyler will be 18 on May 11th! My first born will be EIGHTEEN! *big sigh*. He seems to be getting his head on straighter the past week but who knows...I sincerely hope the future holds fabulous things for him and that he will take advantage of the opportunities that come his way!

Tessa is "5 1/2" and does not understand why everyone is having a birthday and she isn't. She constantly asks "how many days until August"...lol! She wanted to "share" daddy's birthday with him yesterday. She is too funny. She insists that when her birthday comes around she will be 6 1/2, not just 6!

I have been having a pitty party this past week or so...coveting (big sin) things that others have that I don't...not a good or healthy way to live. This kind of thing sneaks up on me every so often and I work hard to push it away. I AM thankful for what I have...family, home, job, health and a husband who is my very best friend in the world and treats me like a queen!

Life is precious and often too short...live to the fullest everyday!

Easter & Anniversarys...

We spent Easter weekend in SG. We also celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary that weekend; Friday April 10th (1993)!! SIXTEEN YEARS!!! woot woot!!!

Saturday we went to the Robinson (Rio's mom's) family picnic and Easter egg hunt (this is a big family thing that happens every year). It was held at the new middle school because it was cold & rainy that day; it's normally held at Santa Clara park.

Sunday was warmer & sunny so we took Tessa & Colton out riding 4 wheelers...tons of fun out in the red dirt of Dixie! Bringing the 4 wheelers is how we talked Colton (ok...bribed) into coming with us to SG. Ever since he rolled my 4 wheeler out riding with Rio last year he is pretty cautious & a little afraid; but he had a good time. Tessa loved it as always!

Tessa waiting anxiously to get started riding!

Rio & Tessa...heading out!

Colton

Colton, Tessa, Me.

Monday we headed home. We had a nice time visiting family and being in SG but it was very stressful weekend too.

Tyler did not want to come with us (as usual) but we would not allow him to stay at our home by himself (our boys lost that privelage due to their bad choices & past behaviors when left there alone).

Tyler was miserable & after he "tattled" to his biological father on Friday; as we were trying to pack up the car to leave; that we had "kicked him out of the house"; his biological father called me to rip me a new one. It was not a pleasant conversation; lots of yelling & nasty things said & then he threatened to call DCFS. Tyler will be 18 next month..I mean seriouslydoes DCFS care if we leave him with a friend for the weekend? I was crying by the time my ex hung up on me so Rio called him back & ripped him a new one...even nastier things were said & it was not pleasant at all.

Tyler was really not happy after he went to our house later on Friday night & realized that we had locked everything (doors & windows) & he really couldn't get into the house (we knew he would try). So an already stressful day turned into a stressful weekend as he texted me about having no where to go (he had already told us he was staying at a friends), no vehicle to drive (he lost that privelage too) & that he would have to sleep outside. If anything; he is good at manipulation but we held firm. I told him to go to my dad or my brothers (they both live close). We knew he wouldn't do that & that he would end up back with his friends.

On Saturday morning at 2:00 am I got a call that he had been caught shoplifting (2nd time in 2 weeks). I had to call my brother to go get him; afterwords I figured that I should have just let them send him to DT for the weekend...maybe it would teach him a lesson!

He ended up being extremely miserable not being able to go home; where he is comfortable; and sleep in his own bed, etc. By late Sunday we agreed he could go home & stay at home that night but that if we discovered that any friends had been there while we were gone then he was out.

We got home Monday & had a talk with him...some decisions need to be made (see previous post) & changes must happen sooner rather than later! So many messes he has created for himself...so many decisions to make.

Love him to death & hoping for the best as he barrels toward adulthood (May 11th he will be 18)!

TGIF!!!!! Sorry if I ramble in my posts...so much on my mind!!!!!!!

Full house vs. Empty Nest

-114 lbs lost; 4 lbs under goal weight...amazing considering my out of control frapuccino and Peanut Butter M&M habits!

My ankle STILL HURTS from when I stepped off the curb at the gym almost a month ago and twisted it...I need it to stop hurting so I can get back to the gym. I need a whole bunch more energy & motivation too so that I can get back to the gym...haha! 20 year reunion in June...that should be motivation enough dontcha think?

"Should they stay or should they go"?...
Tyler has a tough decision to make...whether to move to SG this weekend & finish the school year down there; away from certain "influences"; or stay here & hope that he is strong enough to what needs to be done. Either way he has alot of work ahead of him the next 4-6 weeks in order to make it to graduation. We have left the decision up to him; there are many factors to consider...we will see what happens. Tyler will be 18 in less than a month & it's time for him to face the music & clean up the messes he has created the past 6 months or so. We are here to support him & love him no matter what...but it's time for him to grow up & take responsibility for his actions & his choices.

Colton doesn't get to make the decision; we are making it for him. We are looking into places he can go this summer to get help with his "addictions". His name was drawn to attend Tuacahn High School in St. George for 9th grade. Tuacahn is a High School for the Performing Arts. Of course he doesn't want to move away from his friends but his continued bad choices & decline in grades are forcing our hand. My mom wants him to come live with her & attend Tuacahn; it's a wonderful opportunity for him & he loves Art (drawing, creating, etc.) & could go into Graphic Art Design & even act in the plays if he chooses to do so. This has been a tough decision for us but we feel this is best for him.

The past few years have been difficult but the past 6-10 months have been agonizing! Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that being a parent would be this difficult. There are not enough words to express how much we have struggled, how many tears have been shed, sleepless nights, looking for solutions, seeking advice, etc., etc., etc...

I know we aren't the first or the last parents to go through this & thank goodness Rio & I have each other! Alot could change around our house soon with both boys gone. It will be a blessing with less chaos, less stress, etc. but it will also be to our detriment because no matter how bad things have gotten we still love them so much & will miss them like crazy!

I had a call today from a Coach Keen; football coach at Snow College. We sent one of Tyler's recruiting DVD's there & he called to say he was impressed & wants Tyler to come to their walk on tryouts next month. Tyler has already been accepted to Dixie but we never heard from the football coaches down there so maybe this will be a good opportunity. More decisions to be made & more hard work for Tyler as he is very out of shape since football ended & he has taken up other recreational habits. We will see...

Moms in the Morning & Pa-donk-ee-o

-113 lbs; 3 lbs under goal weight & holding steady despite my 2 frapuccino's a day & my handful of Peanut Butter M&M's each day...my guilty pleasures!

This morning I went to Tessa's school for "Mom's in the Morning". We took some bean bags, a blanket, books & snacks & huddled in the hallways with other moms/kids & read books. Tessa sat through it ok for about 15 minutes then just wanted to socialize with her classmates; especially a little boy in her class named Kayden who seems to have a crush on her & has tried to kiss her (so she says)! Ah young love...lol! We keep telling her she can't kiss boys until she is 29!

Tessa LOVES movies & has a very extensive collection of DVD's. Whenever she gets a new one it is her favorite for weeks on end & she will watch it over & over & over! A few weeks ago we saw Pinocchio at Walmart. It came with a little stuffed Jiminy Cricket (Tessa loves all things stuffed!). We bought it but for some reason she didn't want to watch it...probably just wanted the stuff toy. Rio finally convinced her to watch it a week or so ago & now it's her favorite (for the time being). She constantly wants to watch "Pa-donk-ee-o"...so funny when she says that. No matter how many times we tell her the correct way to say it she still says it that way. She is a funny girl...we get a kick out of her.

Tessa has been very emotional lately; she cries over every little thing. Flashing before my eyes are scenes of future days with an emotionally charged teenage girl & I can't help but hope that the emotional stuff girls go through isn't really starting this early! I keep thinking that as a female I should be more sympathetic to female emotions but I find that I have no patience for it at all...lol! Can't wait to see what's in store as she gets older.

The "teenagers" (Tyler & Colton) continue on paths that worry us immensly. We are at a point where we don't know what to do. It's not like they are awful kids, but they are doing stupid things! Tyler will be 18 next month...I guess it's time to let him do what he is going to do & hope that he knows we are here for him if/when he needs us.

Colton is another story all together. He is such a loving kid & I think he really wants to be good & do the right things but he's caught up in the age of trying things & peer pressure. We are considering sending him to school somewhere else next year...so many decisions to make & it's heartbreaking sometimes; as a parent; to constantly wonder if we are doing the right thing. There is nothing we wouldn't do for our children; we love them so much; but they push the limits & it's getting tougher & tougher.

My husband is a ROCK! He is what keeps me sane (although my sanity is questionable at any given moment)!! I couldn't do any of this without him & I am so thankful every minute of every day to have him in my life! Next week will be our 16 year anniversary!!! I love him more than I ever have!

Can't wait to go to SG next weekend for Easter & hope that it's warm down there. I am so sick of the cold weather, the snow & rain! It's supposed to be SPRING for crying out loud!

Dixie State...

Tyler has been accepted to Dixie State College...that is IF he graduates from high school! Love that boy to death but he is on a very unsteady road at this point in his life. He will be 18 in a few weeks...do we intervene & try to make him see the "error of his ways" or do we let him suffer the consequences of his choices?

Hardest job in the world...being a parent! We had a long talk with Tyler last night about everything that has been going on including his grades, attendance issues & naughty behavior. He has a "reason" or an "excuse" for everything. And the "naughty" things well they are really "that bad"...so he thinks. We gave him 30 days to clean it all up or we will send him to SG to finish high school or possibly some kind of treatment.

Oh the pain, agony, worry, indecision, stress, guessing, wondering, wishing, hoping...the issues with both our boys are really taking their toll on us.

We gave Colton the same option a few days ago...30 days to get it together or we will send him to a treatment/live in school facility for the next year. Do we want to send our kids away? Hell NO! Is it the right choice...who knows??? We are in agony over this!

We love them, we dislike their behavior. We want the best for them always...do they understand that? I remember being that age and hating my parents...I don't want my children to hate me...BUT...better for them to hate me now than to let them continue down the path they are on.

Here's to hoping things improve soon...*SIGH*...

Happy Birthday to ME...

It's my birthday...I'm not posting my weight loss today...Happy Birthday to self! LOL

I am THIRTY EIGHT years old today...man oh man! I wanted to post a picture of me as a baby and then a more recent picture BUT...I forgot to bring my zip drive with me today...oh well...another time!

Tessa is SOOOO EXCITED that it is my birthday. She said this morning "Mom, it's your birthday today...are we having a party?" I explained that having a party isn't such a big deal when you get older. A little while later she said "Mom, how about we go bowling for your birthday!" (She loves bowling)...LOL!!!!

I arrived at work to find my desk decorated in white & green balloons and a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY sign with Tinkerbell on it and confetti stars all over my desk...so much fun! I have great friends at work. Since the other AM's work from home they send me an E card and a GC that I can use anywhere...I chose STARBUCKS!!!!

Rio came and took me to lunch and then about an hour later I received flowers at work from my sister! Gorgeous flowers to add to the decorations on my desk!

Rio and I are a little financially strapped so I told him to please not buy anything. He wanted to get me something so I sent him to get me some Slim Fast bars, propel, gum and Peanut Butter M&M's...haha. And he gave me the most beautiful card...he can always pick the great ones that say all the right things...I am so lucky to have him!

So no big b-day plans, had to work today, hopefully can just relax tonight, maybe a family party this weekend.

One year older, far less wiser...Happy Birthday to me!

Kids...

115 lbs lost; 5 lbs BELOW goal weight...it's all the stress that is keeping me below goal weight right now! LOL! Still need to tone up...still need to find the time & the energy to tone up! *SIGH*

TESSA
Me: "How come I love you so much?" Tessa: "Cause I'm a cutie pie"
Yep...I guess that says it all!
She is excited for me to have my birthday this week...so sweet. She went into her room last night & brought me one of her "diamonds" (she has a big collection of fake "diamonds" in all different sizes & colors that started with the one she got from G'ma Kola last year...daddy keeps buying them for her). The one she brought me is her biggest one; it's pink. She put it behind her back & said she couldn't wait until my birthday to give me the present she picked from "her stuff". I told her I didn't feel right taking her big, beautiful diamond so I asked her if we could share it. She said "sure" so we are keeping it in my room for now. What a sweet girl she is!
She also wants another hamster so that Jessie won't be alone. "Mom, Jessie needs a family".

COLTON
For the most part Colton deals with being grounded pretty well, except for the weekends. As the weeks have gone by he has been better about it all...he spends alot of time in his room, sleeping or playing with his ferrett. He even sometimes ventures upstairs to hang out with us or just to bug us (in typical Colton fashion). He has been doing better with his school work (although his idea & my idea of "better" are very different); I have to give him kudos for what he is getting done compared to what he was getting done...although he is still behind in most of his classes. We have even discussed him possibly repeating 8th grade...he doesn't get as angry as he did but I know that socially it would be devastating for him.
We are really just trying to get through this school year before we make any final decisions about holding him back, changing schools or possibly even having him go to a "live in" school where he can get more one on one...it's heartbreaking to think about & would be a last resort for all of us.

He continues to be a loving kid...he has the biggest heart and he still loves to give hugs and will even tell me "I love you" when I drop him off at school or talk to him on the phone. He will even say it in front of his friends! He is a good kid with lots of issues (ADHD, ODD, etc) & he is definately a challenge. One minute we enjoy him & the next he drives us up the wall! We do find our selves laughing at him alot though because he thinks he has all the answers all the time (what teenager doesn't think this right?).

TYLER
Where to start??? Tyler is in the last few months of his high school years & 2 months away from turning 18 years old! Tyler has always been a pretty good kid...decent grades, great in sports & for the most part respectful. We have given our kids alot of freedom over the years, especially as they get older & so it's hard to know if we gave them "too much" freedom & not enough discipline or if it's just normal at this age to act out a bit.

Somewhere in the past 4 months he has changed alot (although he would strongly disagree). He started hanging with different friends, missing classes & doing some other things he shouldn't be doing. We realize that at this age there is alot going on...graduating, applying to college, trying to figure out "who you are" & what you want to do in life...BUT...it's difficult to watch him go through this & wonder if we should have done things differently.

Tyler hasn't ever really had a regular job, he has had a few here & there but for whatever reason they don't last long. We have always paid for everything including his car, his insurance, his gas, etc. Our kids have been receiving a weekly allowance for years now but they contribute nothing as far as household chores...they don't even do a good job of keeping their rooms/bathroom/basement/living area clean. They don't clean up after themselves very well; they don't do their own laundry nor do they know how. They can cook for themselves if they absolutely have to; but they don't like to; and will always choose fast food over making themselves something good to eat.

I have no doubt that Tyler will come out on top...he is famous for it...but I still worry. He wants to be an adult & is trying to find his way there but he doesn't want to take any responsibility for himself or for his choices. The consequences (for some recent choices) we have put in place over the past few days...he is pretty upset about them...but he is awful at communication with us so he won't even come talk to us about what can be done to earn privelages back. He is so frustrating sometimes! We love him so much & it breaks my heart that his last few month of high school & at home seem to be going so poorly...before we know it he will be gone. It's too late to change the past but we are trying to prepare him for the future...I hope someday he will realize that.

ONE LAST GRIPE: There are people in Tyler's life who have not been around much; no where near as much as they should have been; nor did they ever seem to care about Tyler & how their absence/lack of contact would ultimately affect him. Where do people get the idea that they can "pop" back in to his life after all this time & that makes everything ok? I am speaking as a mother who is worried about her son getting hurt...again. I hope that people are really true in their efforts at this point in Tyler's life...if not, he is better off without you...hard truth!

Okay, enough for now...just wanted to get these thoughts down today.