2/27/08

Another day...

On Monday, 2/25 I was only down ONE pound! Total lost is -39 lbs; 71 lbs to go to goal weight!
So, the Gold's Gym thing hasn't worked out so well so far. I was planning on going on Monday morning at 5:00 am; my sister was going to meet me there (we both work at the same place) and they gym is close by. I had my bag packed so I could get ready for work at the gym. I woke up Monday morning with a MIGRAINE! I don't get them very often and if I can catch them before they come on too strong them I'm OK but I didn't catch this one so it made me nauseous and I ended up taking Tylenol and laying back down for an hour or so before getting ready for work! So far Tues and Wed I haven't attempted the Gym again...maybe the thought of the gym brought on my migraine...hmmm...interesting. I think I thought that by having surgery I would have an instant love of exercise...that hasn't happened yet! When the weather warms up maybe it will be different!

It's actually 50 degrees today and feeling pretty nice here in SLC, UT! I was out and about at lunch and it was awesome. Here is photo of the Wasatch Mountains; taken from our new offices on the 4th floor where I sit; except I don't actually sit by a window...maybe that's why I'm depressed!


Monday night after work I met with a lifecoach that a good friend of mine has been seeing for quite some time. She asked me why I was there and I told her "Because I'm a mess"! I have so many things I want to change and so many things in my life that I know I don't want but I don't necessarily know what I do want. I live in fear of offending people or hurting people's feelings so I never say what I really feel like saying; I let people walk all over me (mostly at work).

I'm struggling with so many things after having the Gastric Bypass. I constantly want to eat, even if I'm not hungry. I constantly want to put something in my mouth and I crave sweets (or my head tells me I do)! In addition to not exercising the past few weeks I've eaten things I shouldn't, I've eaten more than I should and I've had coffee 3 times...that is a "NO NO". I'm tired, cranky, irritable, angry, sad, depressed, anxious and everything in between.

I want JOY and PEACE in my life! I want to enoy my children instead of constantly nagging them to "do this or do that" or "how come you didn't do this/that/the other". I want my children to enjoy me instead of knowing that every time we talk it's going to be a negative experience. My two oldest kids (boys; 16 & 12) are the ones that bear the brunt of my negativity. Nothing they do is good enough; just like I feel that nothing I do is good enough. I've always felt that way...my entire life...as far back as I can remember.
My 12 year old has ADHD and is very hard to deal with sometimes. He is obnoxious and bounces off the walls! He mouths off alot and always has to have the last word. Some of that is just his age; it's not all ADHD but there are times when being in the same room with him is enough to make me angry! I don't want to feel that way about my own child! I get frustrated with my other two children also...they all have their moments; which makes me feel like such an awful mother.

My assignments from the life coach this week are to listen to my Chakra Clearing CD every morning and every night http://www.sacredcenters.com/chakras.html. The other assignment is for me to spend 10-15 minutes per day in front of the mirror telling myself outloud that "everything in my life is as it should be right at this moment" and "I am perfect, safe, loved and I am a good person/mother/wife, etc". The second assignment is the most difficult and so far I've not been able to bring myself to do it. Who wouldn't feel stupid talking to themself in the mirror telling themselves how wonderful they are? Part of what I am working on is not living in fear so I will work on this assignment tonight and tell myself how wonderful I am. I need to feel free to express my emotions/thoughts whether I'm in a room with 500 people or looking at myself in the mirror!
Well, I'm sure I could go on forever with my "woes" so I'll end now with this...
There are things in my life that I am grateful for and not every moment of my life is spent in negativity. I am working on bettering myself!
Loves!!

1 comment:

beth said...

Those sound like really great suggestions from the lifecoach.
I can see how it would be awkward but if it ends up helping you find the Joy and Peace you are looking for then it would be worth it!