17 Years...

On April 10 Rio and I celebrated 17 Years of marriage!  In this day and age I would say that is pretty darn good!  We had family photos done that day, here are some pics...

Tessa 6, Colton 14, Tyler 18, Margo, Rio

SEVENTEEN YEARS!  Like everyone else we have had our ups and downs but one thing that has never changed (only gotten stronger) is our love for each other.  Rio and I never fight...never.  There is nothing in life worth fighting about.  We are each others best friend and through thick and thin we are here to stay!  I love you baby!  You are the BEST thing that ever happened to me.

Tyler turned 19 on May 11.  He is currently working, finally, but he needs to find something that pays better and is full time.  He still hasn't decided what he is doing with his life and watching him struggle breaks my heart.  On the other hand, I hope he gets his sh** together soon and does something...ANYTHING!  He is very unique in the way he thinks & he doesn't discuss feelings or even life in general with us so it's hard to know what's going on with him most of the time.  Regardless, he is still one of the most handsome young men I have ever seen!

Colton turned 15 on May 1.  He has spent the past few months back and forth between home and St. George, where his friends from Tuacahn are.  His friends have come to stay with us also...at one time we had FIVE teenage boys staying in our 2 bedroom apartment with us...lots of food, lots of dirty dishes & laundry...good time!  Colton is very free spirited, has long hair, wears bandanas & peace signs & thinks he is a hippy.  He hasn't got a care in the world...wish I was like that!  We are not sure whether he will attend JHS this fall or if we will home school him.  Main stream school is not the place for Colton, he does not do well there.

Tessa will turn 7 in August.  Auntie Elka still watches her for me during the day.  She has fun playing with Jaeger, Gauge, Malena & the neighborhood kids.  She is still shy sometimes but a fun loving girl who is VERY ATTACHED to her parents.  She wants to go anywhere & everywhere with her daddy, even to work!  She is tender hearted, very sensitive & seems to have seperation anxiety if she isn't with one of us.  She doesn't even like to sleep at other people's houses anymore, she says she will miss us too much.  I sometimes wonder if the past 2 years of stress in our lives have have left her feeling insecure or un-secure.  She spends all of her time with us, we are quite the threesome!

I love my family, as dysfunctional as we are!  We may not be perfect, but no one is, and I am learning to accept that more each day. 

HAPPY 17 YEARS!

Surgery outcome...

I went in for surgery on Thursday April 29, 2010. I checked in at 8:00 am. They took me to pre-op at 9:20 am where I stayed until they wheeled me to surgery just before 11:00 am. As previously noted I would not know the outcome until AFTER surgery, which was very scary!

I explained to the anesthesiologist that I always have severe nauseau and vomitting from the anesthesia so he said he would give me something for that. When I woke up in post op I felt suprisingly well! I heard the nurse say I was going up to the post op floor but that I would be going home today so I figured it had gone well, although at that point I didn't know exactly what had been done.

When I got up to the post op floor Rio explained that when the Dr. came and talked to him she told him that once they got in there she could not locate the mass. She even had someone go get the x-rays from the ultrasounds and MRI so she could ensure she was looking in the right place. She was, and the mass was not there! What she found was that my right ovary was slightly deformed. She took a piece of it for biopsy and the initial report was that it was not cancerous so nothing needed to be removed. She did find a small amount of scar tissue from having my tubes tied 6+ years ago and she corrected that. She explained to Rio that could have caused the pain I was having but since it was such a small amount of scarring she would be surprised if that was the reason for the pain.

From the first ultrasound in October 2009 to the 2nd ultrasound in Feb 2010 to the MRI in late Feb 2010 the mass was there...but from Feb to the time I had surgery at the end of April, it apparently disolved or whatever it is they do...any how, it was not there when she went in to remove it!

I felt great after surgery and went home about 3:30 pm that day. I went right back to eating regularly and was told to rest as much as I could and no heavy lifting or housework. Well...sitting around doing nothing is REALLY hard for me. I get up at 7:00 am and get Tessa ready for school and Rio takes her. Once they leave I go back to sleep for a few hours and then tried to just lay around and rest as much as I could, which is really hard for me! I don't want to get into the habit of sleeping late for when I have to go back to work.

I had a one week follow up yesterday, Thursday May 6, 2010. The nurse did a thorough exam and said she couldn't believe how well I was healing for 2 weeks out. I said "It's only been a week", she looked at me like "WHAT"? and then checked my chart. I said "My surgery was one week ago today" (I should have kept my mouth shut). She said "Wow you are healing so well, your not even swollen and your incisions are healing so well"! She said I could go back to normal activity but when I asked about work she would only release me to go back part time next week since it's only been a week...UGH! (Told you I should have kept my mouth shut)!

Anyway, I am so very grateful and blessed that it turned out as well as it did. I didn't have to have anything removed and the final biopsy showed everything was benign so all is good. At first I felt like I had done the surgery for no reason but I would rather know than wait 6-8 months and then find out it was cancer and it had spread. This way I know that it wasn't cancer and I can move forward without questioning it everyday!

Of course my wonderful husband, Rio, has been so great! He takes care of everything while I heal and although I was told to take it easy for 3-4 weeks I have done some laundry and then cleaned house tonight because I just CAN'T sit around doing nothing...I am incapable of it I guess.

I am blessed, very happy and so thrilled at the outcome! I am indeed a very lucky, blessed woman!

Mexico & surgery...

I just spent the most AWESOME week in Mexico at Rui Mayan Palace! My friend at work was part of President's Club and won a trip to Mexico for 2 and she brought me with her... Woot Woot! We had such a GREAT time...laying on the beach or by the pool. We did do one day on Cozumel, took a ferry over, went to Chankanaab Park to see the Sea Lions and Dolphins. Not sure it was worth it but it was ok. Did one day on the Zip Line...it was awesome! Did 12 Zip Lines (so much fun but oh so sweaty and muggy)! Then took a Mexican Limosouine (Army type truck) to the Cenote...a healing pool. Did the Zip Line into the water, so refreshing! Then they took us back to have chicken taco's...so yummy! It was a really great day.

Bought gifts for everyone while in Mexico. Shell necklaces, sterling silver bracelets, and other goodies. I had such a great time and am so thankful to my friend for taking me! Loved the resort (where EVERYTHING was free!) and even loved the sunburns even when we used 45 sunscreen everyday! Ate and drank too much but had SUCH a GREAT time!

I am going in for surgery tomorrow for the mass next to my right ovary that they can't identify. They will go in, take out the mass & quickly run it to Pathology. If the preliminary report shows cancer they will do a complete Hysterectomy, if not they will take out only what they have to. It could last anywhere from 1.5 to 3.5 hours in surgery...fun stuff!

I am scared about this...what if it's cancer? I really don't want to have a Hysterectomy at 39 years old! But it's out of my hands at this point so we will see what happens tomorrow.

So glad I got a week in Mexico before all this...had such great time! Wish me luck tomorrow! I will post pics of Mexico soon!!! Hugs!

Pictures

Figured I would put up a few pictures since it's been a while...

February 2010 - Sacramento for Ellie's baptism

Me & Ellie on her special day

Margo, Anna, Brenda, Megan, Brooke
I had to borrow the dress since I don't own any since I lost weight!

The Bostwick sisters - Anna, Margo, Megan, Brooke
Do we look anything alike?
...and NO, the church didn't fall in when I entered it...

Tessa's Great Brain report on Yorkies

1st Grade - 6 years old

We brought our Yorkie, Dot & one of her babies, Tripoli - he is 2 now, we borrowed him for the afternoon. Of course Tessa wants to keep him!

Tessa, Tripoli, Dot

Do I really look that old and that tired? YIKES!

My medical issues...

A little back history (this may be TMI for some so be warned)...

I had my tubes tied on August 12, 2003, the same day Tessa was born. I knew I was done having children (Tessa was a HUGE surprise) AND I was having a C-Section due to high blood pressure and toxemia so it was easy to get them tied at that time.

I suffered from AWFUL, very painful, very heavy periods in the years after my tubes had been tied. I had never had problems with periods before. My periods previous to having my tubes tied had always been normal, same time every month, not too heavy, they didn't lay me up like they do to some women. So having them change so drastically was very difficult for me.

In November 2007 I had an Endometrial Ablation, here is the definition...
Endometrial ablation is a procedure that uses a lighted viewing instrument (hysteroscope) and other instruments to destroy (ablate) the uterine lining, or endometrium. The endometrium heals by scarring, which usually reduces or prevents uterine bleeding.

I have not had a period since having this procedure done, which has been a relief. My body still has "cycles", I just don't have to deal with periods, cramping, headaches, etc.

In October 2009, I had extreme pain in my pelvis on the right side. It felt alot like period cramps for a few days and then went away. About a week later it came back. I was concerned so I went to Instacare thinking I had a Urinary Tract Infection (although to my knowledge I have never had one before). I was told that I had the cleanest urine they had ever seen...LOL. They recommended I see my Gynecologist, which was what I already planned on doing. I had researched my symptoms online so I knew there were many things it could be.

I called my GYN who set me up to have a pelvic ultrasound. The ultrasound results showed a small mass next to my right ovary, origin unknown. They said it could be any number of things, a fibroid, a dermoid, uterine lining, etc. They recommended I give it 8-12 weeks and then have another ultrasound to see if it had cleared up on it's own.

I had another ultrasound on Februrary 2, 2009. The results showed that the mass was still there although it was a little bit smaller than previously, origin still unknown. The recommendation was that I have an MRI to determine what it was. Of course this is fairly common in alot of women and doesn't necessarily mean cancer but they couldn't say for sure that it wasn't the big "C" so I scheduled an MRI.

I had an MRI on February 24, 2010. The report showed that once they administered the contrast, the tumor "lit up", meaning it was vascular. They still could not say whether it was benign or cancerous or where it came from. The Radiologist recommended waiting 6-8 months then having another MRI but because I have pain in that area every few weeks my GYN recommended that I see a Gynecological Oncologist. This scared me, I worked for Oncologists way back in the day and I saw alot of very sick people with cancer coming in to get chemo each week. I had maintained a sense of calm about all of this but now I was scared.

On March 10, 2010 I saw the GYN Oncologist, Dr. Z. She spent a lot of time with me, reviewed the MRI results, did a thorough exam and then proceeded to tell me that although there were many things it could be, most of them benign, she couldn't say with 100% certainty that it wasn't cancer. She basically left the decision up to me...wait a few months, watch it and see what happens or go in laposcopically with a camera and find out what it is. I am not comfortable leaving it there, not knowing what it is.

If they go in and determine it's cancer, they will remove everything, a complete hysterectomy. If they go in and determine that it's benign, they will remove only what they need to in order to get it out. Depending on what it's attached they could end up removing just an overy, or possibley and overy and my uterus...they just don't know until they get in there.

Since I am under 40 (barely) they prefer to leave the ovaries in place if they can. Hormone Replacement Therapy can be brutal so they don't want to remove ovaries unless they absolutely have to.

I decided I want them to go in and find out what it is and take it out. A few hitches...I have a trip to Mexico scheduled in April (free trip! more on that later) and since I have never been there, never really been anywhere, I really want to go. Dr Z said we can do it after I get back. I am scheduled for surgery on April 29th. I won't know the outcome until AFTER it's all done which is pretty scary. That also makes it hard to plan for time off from work since if I have a complete hystorectomy I will need 4-6 weeks off. I also found out that during open enrollment at work, I neglected to sign up for Short Term Disability (you have to pay for it now?!?) so I won't be able to take STD which means my time off will be unpaid...NOT GOOD when we are already struggling just to live these days!

Which leads me to second thoughts...since we can't afford for me to take 6 weeks off unpaid, do I just put it off, watch it over the next 6-8 months and hope it's not cancer? What if it is and it spreads in 6-8 months??? So many thoughts, so many decisions! I am crazy busy at work, what happens if I have to take 4-6 weeks off, will I lose my job? My health should be the most important thing but because of our constant struggles, it can't be...YIKES!

I am scared, confused, upset, ticked off...so many emotions surrounding this. But if I wait and it's cancer and it compromises my health or even leads to death, where does that leave my family? What to do, what to do...

For now, I am scheduled for April 29th...if that changes I will let you know. Why does it have to be this difficult? Why do I have to choose between my health and supporting my family. It's overwhelming, frustrating and scary!

2 yr "SURGIVERSARY" and catching up...

My 2 year Weight Loss Surgiversary was 1/7/10. I had my 2 year follow up on 2/2/10. I originally lost 110 lbs in 11 months and have maintained the weight loss for 16 months now! My blood work, vitamin levels & protein levels were FABULOUS! My Dr. said I am doing great! I hope to be able to maintain the weight loss long term! I've said it before and I will say it again..."Weight Loss Surgery is the best gift I ever gave myself"!


Dec 2009 - we moved into a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment that I like to call "the ghetto". Our house may have been old and "white trash", but our apartment just takes that up a notch! The are so many unique features to it...like the toilets that lean to one side, the shower that turns on when you try to run a bath, the cabinets that are hanging by a thread in the kitchen, the putrid "sewer" smell that seems to permiate within the walls, the heater that runs 24/7 but mostly blows cool air, the list goes on and on...


On a side note, Yes, I am thankful we have a roof over our head and that we can afford it (barely). We didn't realize the boys would be coming home for good when we rented it or we might have looked for something bigger...although we probably couldn't have afforded anything else. For now, Tessa shares a room with us, which isn't much different from when we lived at my sister's, Colton sleeps in Tessa's room, the boys clothes and belongings are in Tessa's room & Tyler sleeps on the couch...good times I'm tellin' ya...good times! I finally re-arranged some things yesterday to make better use of some wasted space so that Tessa had better access to some of her things that had been in the bedroom the boys now occupy.


We desperate wanted Colton to stay in SG at Tuacahn, it really is the best school for him. Due to some health issues my mom had and the fact that having 2 teenage boys was more than I think she thought it would be, we decided it was best to bring him home. He is back at his old Middle School, which he hates. He is there on a permit since we no longer live in that area. He has already been in trouble for being argumentative & not completing assignments. He was given until midterm, first week of March, to get grades up and he can't be sent to the office anymore or they will revoke his permit. He did get a few of his grades up and is working on the others so they have allowed him to stay...for now. I got a call last week that he was sent to the office for leaving class without permission (the class was going from the library back to the classroom and he detoured to the restroom). I know Colton can be very difficult but the only referrals he has had to the office are all from the same teacher, I can't help but wonder if she has it out for him. The Vice Principal that called me last week said that most likely they will revoke his permit at the end of the quarter. If that happens, I will come UNHINGED! The only option at that point will be to put him in the middle school where we live now for the last 2 monts of this school year AND I doubt that will even be worth it. Then I'm sure that JHS will not take him on a permit for High School next year since he will be labeled a "naughty kid"!


Colton is not a bad kid, neither is Tyler for that matter, they just have their own way of doing things or thinking things should be done. That isn't necesarily bad, it's just hard to deal with sometimes. In the world we live in after we graduate from HS, people are thought highly of when they can "think outside the box". As much as my kids have been taught to respect authority, we also don't believe in stifling their creativity and we want to give them the chance to discover for themselves who they really are, not to live the way other people "expect" them to.

Colton lives very much in the now and gets caught up in the moment and doesn't think ahead to what the consequences may be (we had this confirmed for us by a highly respected brain doctor last year. He is very opinionated, but argues because he wants to convince you to see it the way he sees it, which can be VERY frustrating. He is getting better at realizing that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and he needs to respect that.


Tyler on the other hand is so afraid of rejection, being embarrassed and being told NO, that it seriously hinders any attempts he makes to get a job or do much of anything in life right now. He would rather apply online, which is fine, but then he doesn't follow up because he doesn't want to "bug" people. I understand this, I was much the same way when I was younger, but I'm sure that getting my first job at 14 years old helped squash some of that. When I think back to where I thought Tyler would be at this point in his life, I NEVER imagined the changes that would take place in him during his last year of high school. He seems lost and we do our best to help guide him but again, he HAS to figure things out for himself. I think we have been very patient, even though it's very frustrating and heartbreaking to watch. Tyler is not one to tell us his feelings or thoughts & confronting him goes absolutely no where so we wait & hope & pray that he finds his way soon.


It's unfortunate when people feel the need to tell us how they would handle things if it were "their" kids or give us advice we did not ask for, especially when they don't have children as old as ours or they have no children at all. People can say they would "kick their kids out" or "cut them off" but could they really? Did they have their lifes all figured out when they were 18 and 14? I know I sure didn't!


Do you turn your back on your oldest because he has been diagnosed as bi-polar but is old enough not to take his meds or see a counselor if he doesn't want to and is struggling to figure out who he is and who he wants to be? Do you turn your back on your middle child, who was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 8 and struggles so hard to learn that school is pure torture for him? Do you turn your back on them because they make choices that you don't agree with? Or do you allow them to continue on their own path, even if you have to watch them stumble but you know that in the end who and what they become is up to them?


I ask myself everyday "where did we go wrong"...there is no answer to that question for any parent. Did we spoil our kids, give them too much, give in too often, not set enough rules? Maybe. Do we continue to support them, even when they do things we don't agree with? Yes because we LOVE them, faults, mistakes and all. Would they be better off if we had raised them in the church? Maybe...who really knows???? What I do know is the past is the past, there is no guarantee for the future and all we can do is live each day to the best of our ability. I strive to do that and to be thankful everyday for what I DO have.


I know I'm rambling...as usual my mind is filled with so much! Thank goodness my blog doesn't have many followers...LOL, it's more a journal for myself than anything. My heart is often very heavy because I feel that at this age things should feel more secure in life. These are tough times for so many and I know there are many out there worse off than us. On the other hand I often find myself asking why there are others that have so much, when we have so little. Why does it seem that we have had more than our fair share of struggles, especially the past 2 years, while others don't seem to struggle at all? When I get these thoughts, I immediately feel guilty for not being content with what I do have. My mind never stops going in circles around these things, it's very frustrating some times. I AM very blessed with so much, a wonderful supporive husband who loves me unconditionally, healthy children, good job, great family and friends. I am indeed blessed.


I do have some worrisome health news regarding myself, which I will write about seperately since this post has become so long. Going to relax with my sweet Rio and beautiful Tessa. Love to you all and hope life is treating you well.

Tessa Lou Lou's surgery day...

Tessa had surgery today. She has a condition called Reflux. When urine empties into your bladder there are flaps, one on each side of your bladder, that close once the urine has emptied into your bladder. Tessa's flaps don't close which causes urine to run back up the tubes to her kidneys. This causes infections and can ultimately cause kidney damage. Tessa was diagnosed with this condition 3 years ago. Ultimately we have been waiting to see if she would outgrow it or whether it would correct itself, as in some cases it does. When she had her yearly tests in September the Dr finally said that it was time to correct it.

There were two options for surgery, one option ensures only a 75-80% success, the other option ensures 97% but is more invasive. We decided that if we were going to do it we were going to do option 2 in order to give her the best chance of success.

The first procedure she had done today is called a Cystoscopy, they go in with a scope, that has a lens and a light, inserted into the bladder through the urethra to look for abnormalities. They did this on the right side because that side wasn't as bad. They then correct the abnormalities that they find, which is not too major (they don't really know how bad it will be until they are in there).

The other procedure she had done today is called a Ureteral reimplant where they repair the backward flow of urine from the bladder to the kidney. They did this on her left side. She has a small incision just above her pubic bone.

We opted not to give Tessa much information about what was going to happen today because she already has such awful anxiety that we knew she would have a come apart. We told her (yesterday) that we had to go to the hospital for more tests and that they would put her to sleep like they do for the tests she has had before. She was actually pretty ok with it. We asked that she be given Versaid today to help her relax before they took her back to surgery because normally when she has testing done I go in with her. Since I wouldn't be able to go in with her this time we knew that would upset her (she has had really bad seperation anxiety the last little while - not even wanting to sleep over at her BFF's house because she will "miss us too much" - not sure if this is a result of all the stress in our lives the past year or moving from our house to my sister's to recently moving to an apartment...).

The surgery was almost 2 hours long and everything went fine. She was very weepy & agitated coming out of the anesthesia so they gave her something to help calm her down and we were in Post op for quite a while since she was asleep. We left our apartment at 5:45 AM this morning for surgery and got back home around 12:00 noon.

Once we got home and started on her pain medication she seemed to be doing ok except that she kept saying she was sick to her stomach and was going to throw up. Then she started itching and she was all over the place...playing or walking around one minute and then crying and complaining of pain the next. I expected this, it's common after anesthesia. At around 8:30 PM after her 3rd dose of pain meds (1/2 dose); she finally threw up so we called the Dr. and got something for nausea. She had only slept about 1/2 hour in the 8 1/2 hours we had been home today so the pain meds most likely need to be changed to something different. I will have to call the Dr. tomorrow and discuss it with him.

Here are some pictures of her big day...

Being goofy in the first room we were in while she had vitals taken and changed into "hospital" jammies.

The child advocate (not sure if that is the correct term) explaining to Tessa about the gas mask, the IV, the pulse ox, etc. Tessa got bored with this after a few minutes but she did get to pick out Watermelon smell for her gas mask and said she wanted to be wheeled to surgery in a wagon, not a wheelchair...LOL

Recovery room with her dog "Snowy". She was NOT happy and just wanted to go home! At this point she still did not really understand that she had had surgery. She was very groggy and agitated, they gave her meds to calm her down and she was just starting to fall back to sleep.

On our way home. This was while I was at the Pharmacy Kiosk getting her medication filled.

Just got home & settled onto mommy's bed. She is checking out the gas mask that they let her keep (she had asked if she could have it when she met with the child advocate lady).

Finally crashed at about 9 PM after puking up her pain meds!

We spent most of the afternoon watching her movies, counting the change in her piggy banks, playing with her beads and rocks and having her tell me over and over again "I wish I didn't have to have surgery, this is the worst day ever"! When we first got home today, when she was finally awake enough to understand, I explained that the pain she was having (she kept saying it hurt) was the incision. I explained that she had an owie where the Dr. did surgery to fix the problems so she won't have infections anymore. It's pretty difficult for a 6 year old to understand the whole "bladder infection" thing let alone the surgery that was done.

As she got weepy a little while later she said "I wish you didn't sign me up for surgery"! I almost laughed out loud...LOL! She has voiced that a few times today but I keep trying to explain that it will help so she won't get infections anymore.

Anywhoooo....all in all she is doing well and I hope her recovery continues to go well. I hope she will get lots of rest tonight and that the nausea meds will help her so she can still take her medicine for pain.

It's a scary thing to have your child (or any family member, etc) go under anesthesia. I am so thankful and feel very blessed that everything went well. I know she will rebound well, she is resiliant and amazing!